How to Build Rapport in a Virtual Couples Therapy Session

Intake sessions can be a little nerve-racking for both you and your clients. They often determine whether clients will come back for session two, and they set the tone for the rest of treatment. In couples work, building rapport during an intake session is even more complex: you’re trying to earn the trust of two people at once, who may be in conflict, emotionally guarded, or uncertain about staying in the relationship at all.

I’m Michelle Chaffardet, LMFT, a couples therapist with Alma trained in the Gottman Method. In this short video, I offer a few concrete strategies for creating psychological safety, holding neutrality, and offering immediate value to couples, even when one partner is disengaged or resistant. I also talk about how I adapt my approach for virtual care, from lighting and body language to pacing and tone, to foster a sense of calm and connection on-screen.

It’s not easy to strike the right balance between warmth and leadership and between listening and providing actionable tools. With a solution-focused mindset and a deep respect for the emotional complexity of relationships in distress, I believe small moments—like validating discomfort or introducing a single Gottman-based skill—can make a lasting impact.

Why rapport matters in a first couples therapy session

The first session in couples therapy is really make it or break it. This is your opportunity to build rapport. This is your opportunity to show them how you are going to lead them to success in their marriage or relationship.

6 Therapist strategies for building rapport in couples therapy

1. Instill confidence in the first 5 minutes

My goal for the first five minutes of the session is to make both partners feel comfortable. I want to let them know that they are okay and that they're in good hands. I reassure them that they can do this. I let them know that it's totally normal to feel nervous or unsure. I make sure to ask open-ended questions, and that I'm giving each partner space to speak.

2. Focus on connection and neutrality

So when there are two people, there might be two people being upset, two people being hurt. And they don't even know sometimes if they want to be there and stay together. So I'm trying to connect with both of them without taking any sides and as you can imagine, it’s very difficult. So it takes a lot of care, it takes a lot of patience, and a lot of awareness to make both people feel heard and safe right from the start.

3. Start slow but provide immediate value

In the first session, I provide a lot of psychoeducation. So even if we don't get to the nitty gritty—and I am very clear that this is not something we're going to solve in one session—we're getting to know each other. I want to know your mental health, your health issues, all of that. So that's a little boring for them, because usually they come in and they're like, we are in crisis, we need to fix this. I'm like, no, hold your horses, we're going to take it slow. But I make sure that they leave with at least one little tool. Like a little Gottman tool to let them know that this is what Gottman's about. And so they leave excited for what's to come.

So I think every couple that I see comes back because of that, because I'm very conscious of giving them a tool, even if it's not the tool that's going to take them to super success. But if they get out of the first session feeling like, wow, I actually learned something, let me start implementing it, they can hold off to the next session.

4. Build rapport with a resistant partner

So sometimes I know from the get-go that one doesn't want to be there. When I get them in session, I can see by their body language and the way they're talking to me if they really want to be there or not. If I notice that one person is actually the one who doesn't want to be there, I side with them more strategically. I already know the other person wants to be there. So my focus is on the one who doesn't want to be there to allow him or her to open up. Then hopefully in the second session, it could be a little bit more balanced.

The other person’s chatty—they’re telling me everything. I might even interrupt and say something like, “You know, that’s wonderful, that’s great. But I’m wondering, Kevin, how do you feel about this? What’s going on right now? Because I’m noticing a little bit of discomfort. Am I wrong? Am I getting this right?” And 99% of the time, they say, “Yes, I’m not feeling comfortable,” or, “This is what I’m thinking.” So I just address the elephant in the room. We talk about it together. Then I bring them back—and that really helps.

5. Take extra steps to build rapport online

To make the couple feel more comfortable, I keep my background calm and clean. Nothing too busy, nothing too distracting. I use soft lighting. I am eye level with the camera. I keep my voice warm and steady to make them feel very at peace. If they're nervous I slow down. That allows them to have that space to not be nervous. If they're laughing, being playful, or cracking a joke, I also allow space for that. Little things like a gentle smile or nod can go a long way in any virtual session.

6. Reinforce the benefits of your approach

I must say, not every therapist is for every client. We all have different personalities, and we're all looking for something different in a therapist’s style. And I am very solution-focused. Gottman has a lot of skills that I get to teach, so it's very directive. It's not just common psychotherapy or talk therapy—I'm actually telling you what to do in a sense.

I'm teaching you a new skill, and then I want you to go practice it. So a lot of my couples like that. They like the Gottman approach because they're like, “You know, we went to a couple of therapists and we just kept talking about the same thing and all she had us do is mirror this, mirror that. What else can we do?” And then I come in and say, “Well, you can do all this.”