They Cheated—Now What? A Therapist’s Guide to Healing After Infidelity

Rebuilding trust after infidelity is one of the hardest experiences a couple can face. As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with ample experience with infidelity counseling, I’ve sat with many couples in the aftermath of emotional affairs, sexual affairs, and cyber affairs, and I’ve seen both outcomes: relationships that dissolve, and relationships that rebuild into something entirely new.

It’s difficult to find reliable data on infidelity. Results often vary by how ‘infidelity’ is defined, who is surveyed, and whether the survey is conducted anonymously. That said, a large study by YouGov in 2023 found that 46% of women and 36% of men reported ever having had a spouse or partner cheat on them.

Studies also show that betrayed partners often experience PTSD-like symptoms (sometimes referred to as “betrayal trauma”), including intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, and deep emotional reactivity. Betrayed partners are not “going crazy.” They’re responding to something devastating. It’s normal. It’s painful. And it needs to be treated with the gravity it deserves.

If you’re wondering how to forgive infidelity, what rebuilding a relationship after an affair involves, or the benefits of working with an infidelity therapist—this is for you.

7 Essential Elements of Infidelity Counseling

Infidelity counseling requires a strong commitment from both partners to do what it takes to re-establish trust. It’s a process that requires time—typically months, not weeks—as well as courage and vulnerability.

While the process can look different depending on your unique relationship and the infidelity therapist you’re working with, it often centers on the following seven essential elements.

1. Transparency

In Gottman therapy—which is the most well-researched form of couples therapy—there is a session where the betrayed partner asks every question they have, and the person who committed the betrayal needs to answer completely and fully. As you can imagine, it's one of the hardest sessions.

Some people may argue that knowing everything is worse than not. But the betrayed partner almost always feels better when they have all the answers.

When the betrayed partner can ask anything they want and get the real answers—even though they hurt—it's going to allow them to trust again and move forward.

2. Consistency

The hurt partner needs consistency, not just a one-time apology or Q&A session. What that looks like in practice:

• Promptly answering your partners calls and texts
• Being open about where you are and who you're with
• Responding to requests for details without defensiveness
• Showing up on time or providing frequent updates
• Asking if there's anything you can do to increase their comfort level

Your partner needs to see you being transparent and emotionally responsive over and over and over again, even when it's uncomfortable.

3. Not Rushing to Forgive

One of the biggest mistakes after infidelity is trying to rush forgiveness. A month or two isn’t enough. The betrayed partner needs time and space to feel angry, hurt, and confused. They need to be heard without being told they’re “overreacting.”

The betrayed partner might ask the same question more than once, that’s normal. They might have good days and then suddenly spiral. That’s not failure, that’s part of the process.

4. Emotional Safety

Healing requires emotional safety. The betrayed partner needs to vent, grieve, and understand what happened before they can trust again.

Relationship betrayal can look like PTSD and lead to:

• Intrusive thoughts
• Flashbacks
• Sudden anxiety spikes

I’ve had many clients say, “I thought I was going crazy.” You’re not. It was a traumatic event. Feeling dysregulated is a normal trauma response.

5. Patience

The partner who cheated must remember that this won’t resolve in weeks. If there have been multiple lies or layers of betrayal, repair takes even longer. Infidelity isn’t always about sex. It can be emotional, it can be online, and it can be a series of micro-betrayals.

The betrayed partner isn’t only angry. They’re sad, confused, frustrated, and grieving. Yes, grieving.

They’re grieving the partner they thought they had, the version of that partner that they believed in. The loss of that “idealized” partner is part of what makes this so painful.

6. Accountability

In my experience, the couples that heal are the ones that are able to be accountable. Obviously, the partner that cheated needs to be accountable for their actions and the impact of those actions on the relationship.

Depending on the situation, the betrayed partner might also need to acknowledge how they may have contributed to a problematic dynamic (perhaps with silence or by not talking about their needs) the couple is able to heal more deeply.

From there, the couple can say, “Scratch that, let’s build a new relationship with new boundaries and a new method, because what we were doing wasn’t working.”

7. Starting Fresh

You’re not going back to the old relationship, you’re building a new one. Many couples try to “return to how things were,” but here’s the truth: what existed before wasn’t fully working. If it was, the betrayal wouldn’t have happened. Healing requires a reset, not a rewind.

Your new relationship needs:

• Clear emotional check-ins
• Updated boundaries
• Honest conversations about needs, connection, and repair

Infidelity can become a turning point either toward deeper healing or deeper disconnection. Your willingness to start fresh is integral to the healing path.

What to Expect from Infidelity Counseling

If you’re feeling stuck in this situation—or just want more support through the repair process—consider seeing a therapist on your own or joining your partner in couples therapy for infidelity. Working with a therapist is like traversing difficult territory with a guide and a map instead of having to find your own way.

As much as I’d like to say that seeing a counselor who specializes in infidelity therapy will guarantee that you’ll repair your relationship, that isn’t always the case.

Some relationships don’t repair because one partner isn’t yet willing or able to change. Sometimes there are issues like substance misuse or sex addiction that need to be addressed first. In these situations, seeking individual therapy before or alongside couples therapy can help.

Remember that affairs are rarely just about sex. They’re usually about disconnection, avoidance, emotional neglect, or unspoken pain. That doesn’t excuse betrayal, but if you don’t understand why it happened, you can’t prevent it from happening again.

Was it loneliness? Was it a fear of being vulnerable? Was it a way to avoid asking for what was missing? Both partners need to explore the deeper story underneath the affair. That’s where real repair begins.