What to Expect from Attachment-Focused Therapy

Attachment Theory has exploded in popularity over the last few years, and it’s easy to see why. Like a personality quiz in a magazine, it takes the messy world of human connection and boils it down into four attachment styles. The idea is simple: figure out which one you are, and you’ll unlock the secret to happier, more secure relationships.

For many people, this framework is genuinely eye-opening. It helps explain patterns, like why you panic when a partner pulls away or why you shut down during conflict. But the real power of attachment theory isn’t just in naming your style. It comes from using that awareness to improve communication, set healthier boundaries, and ultimately cultivate a more secure sense of self.

That’s where therapy comes in. Self-help books and online quizzes can give you a great introduction to Attachment Theory, but working with a therapist trained in Attachment-Focused Therapy helps you go much deeper (and avoid all of the misleading advice that’s floating around online).

In this article, we’ll dig into what Attachment-Focused Therapy really looks like. We’ll separate the myths from the realities, explore its benefits (and controversies), and look at how it works differently for adults, couples, and kids. We’ll also walk through what to expect in a session and how to find the right therapist to support you.

How does Attachment-Focused Therapy work?

Attachment-Focused Therapy, or AFT, is a type of therapy that uses the principles of attachment theory to help people better understand and change their patterns in relationships. The foundation of this work comes from John Bowlby, a British psychoanalyst who proposed that humans are hardwired for relationships and connection. He expanded on earlier psychoanalytic theories about how our earliest experiences with our parents/caregivers profoundly influence how we relate to others throughout life.

In simple terms, the way we learned (or didn’t learn) to trust, depend on, and connect with our parents/caregivers often shapes how we behave in adult relationships. This shows up in what psychologists commonly describe as “attachment styles”.

At a high level, there are four primary attachment styles, which you can read more about here:

• Secure
• Anxious
• Avoidant
• Disorganized

Attachment-Focused Therapy can help you identify your attachment style and patterns, and push you to experiment with new ways of relating. For example, someone with an anxious attachment style might work on tolerating uncertainty and building trust. Someone with an avoidant style might explore ways to open up and let others in.

Attachment Therapy myths vs. realities

• Myth: Attachment Therapy is only for kids.While it is true that Attachment Theory originally focused on children and caregivers, it has since been adapted for adults and is often used in couples counseling or individual therapy.
• Myth: Your attachment style never changes.Research suggests that while attachment tendencies are shaped early, they can absolutely shift with new experiences, new relationships, self-awareness, and therapeutic work.
• Myth: It’s all about blaming your parents. Effective Attachment-Focused therapy isn’t about assigning blame. Instead, it’s about understanding how early relationships influenced your sense of safety and trust, and using that knowledge to create healthier patterns now.
• Reality: It’s a framework, not a diagnosis.The categories of “secure,” “anxious,” “avoidant,” and “disorganized” are helpful starting points, but most people don’t fit neatly into one box. A skilled therapist helps you explore the nuances of your unique relational patterns.

Why Attachment-Focused Therapy can be controversial

Some critics argue that Attachment Theory is more of a pseudoscience than a robust, evidence-based model. Why?

Questions about evidence

Attachment Theory was developed under circumstances that modern psychologists might view as less-than-rigorous. Bowlby’s early work drew heavily on observations of children separated from their parents during wartime, and later studies were shaped by limited, culturally-biased samples. While attachment research has grown significantly since then, some of the original findings that shaped the foundation of Attachment Theory were never fully supported by strong data.

In addition, the categories of attachment styles, while popular in self-help culture, are often criticized as oversimplified. Human relationships are incredibly complex, and boiling them down to four types can feel reductive.

That said, many therapists and clients still find tremendous value in attachment-focused work. It gives people language to describe experiences they may have struggled to articulate. It also helps clients connect childhood experiences with present-day challenges.

In other words, while Attachment Theory may not always function as a precise science, it is often a powerful entry point into self-understanding and relational growth. And for many clients, that can make therapy life-changing.

Attachment Therapy for adults vs. children

Attachment-Focused Therapy can look very different depending on a client’s age and life stage.

For children

Attachment-Focused Therapy with children often involves strengthening the bond between a child and their caregivers.

This approach is especially helpful for children who have:

• Been adopted
• Spent time in foster care
• Experienced trauma or early disruptions in caregiving

The therapist may observe parent-child interactions, coach parents/caregivers in real time, and help repair ruptures in trust or communication. For example, a therapist might guide a parent in responding to a child’s distress in a way that feels consistent and safe, helping the child learn that their caregiver can be a reliable source of comfort. Over time, this builds the child’s internal sense of security.

For adults

Attachment-Focused Therapy with adults centers on understanding how early relational patterns show up in present-day relationships—with romantic partners, friends, colleagues, and even with oneself.

This approach is especially helpful for adults who:

• Struggle with anxiety or insecurity in romantic relationships
• Find themselves repeating unhealthy relationship patterns
• Have difficulty trusting others or allowing themselves to be vulnerable
• Experience persistent feelings of emptiness or disconnection
• Are navigating the aftermath of childhood neglect, trauma, or inconsistent caregiving
• Feel chronically anxious about abandonment or, conversely, uncomfortable with emotional closeness

The therapist helps you identify your attachment style—the blueprint for connection you developed early in life—and explore how it influences your current relationships. For example, a therapist might help you recognize that your tendency to withdraw when conflict arises mirrors the emotional unavailability you experienced as a child, and then work with you to develop new ways of staying present during difficult conversations. Over time, this builds your capacity for secure, fulfilling relationships and a more compassionate relationship with yourself.

What to expect from Attachment Therapy

So what actually happens in an Attachment-Focused Therapy session? While each therapist may bring their own style, there are some common elements to the Attachment Therapy process.

Early Sessions: Assessment and Awareness

At first, the therapist will likely explore your history, including your family of origin, early caregiving experiences, and significant relationships. You may discuss how you typically respond to conflict, intimacy, or separation. The goal is to start noticing themes and patterns in your relationships.

Middle Phase: Exploration and Experimentation

As therapy progresses, sessions often involve noticing attachment dynamics as they arise in real time. Sometimes, clients even experience attachment-related feelings toward the therapist—such as fear of rejection or longing for approval. A skilled therapist uses these moments to help you practice new relational skills in a safe environment.

You might also work on:

• Building tolerance for difficult emotions without shutting down or lashing out.
• Practicing vulnerability and communication in relationships.
• Learning to recognize and soothe attachment triggers.

Later Phase: Integration

Over time, therapy helps you integrate these insights into daily life. You may find yourself more able to trust others, set healthy boundaries, or feel secure in relationships. The ultimate goal is not to become “perfectly secure”, but to develop more flexibility and resilience in how you relate.

What to look for in an Attachment-Focused Therapist

Because Attachment Theory is a framework rather than a strict therapeutic method, there isn’t a single certification that makes someone an “attachment therapist.” That means it’s important to do some homework when choosing a provider.

Training and Approaches

Many therapists integrate Attachment Theory into other evidence-based modalities. For example:

• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): A structured couples therapy model rooted in attachment science.
• Attachment-Based Family Therapy (ABFT): An approach designed for adolescents struggling with depression and family conflict.
• Psychodynamic Therapy: Often incorporates attachment concepts in exploring relational patterns.

When researching therapists, look at their training. Have they completed formal education in EFT or ABFT? Do they describe themselves as psychodynamic, relational, or trauma-informed? These are good signs that they’re familiar with attachment frameworks.

Questions to ask in consultation with an Attachment Therapist

When interviewing a therapist, you might ask:

• How do you use Attachment Theory in your practice?
• What training have you received in attachment-focused approaches?
• Can you describe what sessions with you typically look like?
• How do you help clients apply attachment insights in their daily lives?

Their answers should give you a sense of whether their approach feels like a good fit for your needs.

Curious? Don’t hesitate to try Attachment Therapy

For many people, Attachment-Focused Therapy offers a profoundly validating and practical way to understand themselves and improve their relationships. By separating myths from realities, acknowledging both the strengths and limitations of the approach, and finding a skilled therapist to guide the work, clients can use attachment theory as a powerful tool for healing and growth.

At its heart, Attachment-Focused Therapy is about helping people feel safer in their connections: safer to love, safer to be loved, and safer to be fully themselves. For many of us, that is one of the most valuable outcomes therapy can offer.