How to Talk So Your Partner Listens: A Couples Therapist Explains

My name is Michelle Chaffardet, and I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist. Over the years, I’ve had the privilege of working with many couples who love each other deeply but still struggle to communicate. If you’ve ever felt stuck in the same arguments or frustrated because your partner just doesn’t seem to hear you, you’re not alone. These struggles are so common, and they often mean you need new tools.

I’m excited to introduce you to three simple communication skills that you can start practicing today. These are techniques I use regularly in my sessions with couples, and they’ve been shown to make a big difference in reducing conflict and building connection. My goal is to help you feel less reactive, more understood, and more intentional in the way you and your partner communicate.

So whether you’re hoping to prevent small disagreements from escalating, or you’re looking for ways to strengthen your bond and feel closer, these strategies can give you a starting point. Communication is a skill, and like any skill, it can be practiced and improved. Let’s dive in.

3 Couples therapy communication exercises

If you’re struggling to communicate with your partner, here are three communication exercises or skills—all rooted in the evidence-based Gottman Method—that you can implement starting today.

Skill 1: The gentle start-up

The first skill that I like to teach my couples during therapy is a Gottman-based communication strategy that helps begin hard conversations without triggering defensiveness. It’s called “the gentle startup.”

The gentle startup is really an antidote to the harsh startup. A harsh startup is when you begin a conversation with blame, criticism, or sarcasm, which usually leads to escalation or shutdown. Instead, you can use the gentle startup. It requires you to broach the topic you’d like to discuss in a very specific way.

So, I’m naming my feeling (overwhelmed), the specific issue (cleaning after work), and what I need (a fairer split of chores).

Compare that to a harsh startup: You never do anything around the house. You never help me clean. You’re the worst. We all know where that goes.

The reason the gentle startup works is because it reduces the chance of triggering defensiveness in your partner. It focuses on needs instead of blame, and it sets the stage for resolution instead of reactivity.

What if your partner gets defensive?

If your partner still gets defensive, even if you use this strategy kindly, that’s on them. They need to regulate themselves. When you’re feeling flooded—which is a physiological stress response—you need at least 20 minutes to disengage and let your body calm down.

So, if you notice your heartbeat rising or feel too aggravated, it’s best to say: I’m feeling overwhelmed. I can’t talk about this right now. Let’s revisit it in an hour.

Then step away, regulate, and come back. Otherwise, the conversation will only turn into conflict.

Skill 2: The listening chair

Skill number two is what we call the “listening chair exercise.” This is a presence-based exercise that teaches emotional attunement and non-defensive listening.

It creates structured space for each partner to be heard without interruption. Many couples default to interrupting, problem-solving, or judging. This exercise helps break those patterns.

Here’s how it works: Set up two chairs, one for the speaker and one for the listener. The speaker shares something personal, meaningful, or vulnerable. The listener’s only job is to be fully present, listen, and then reflect back what they heard.

The goal is to understand what your partner is actually saying, not what you assume they mean.

Why does this work? It slows down reactive patterns, shifts the focus from being “right” to being connected, and builds trust through presence.

Why presence matters so much

If you’re not present, you’re just not there. You’re not going to be a good listener. If you’re interrupting, you’re not truly listening, you’re not trying to get in their shoes. You’re listening to react or defend yourself, which gets you nowhere. Taking turns in this structured way might feel elementary at first, but it works.

Presence is everything. As a therapist, if I’m not fully present in the room (or virtual room), I can’t do my job effectively. The same goes for your relationship.

Skill 3: “State of the Union” check-ins

The third skill is to set up a regular “State of the Union” check-in. This can be daily or weekly, but the key is consistency.

These proactive check-ins keep couples connected and emotionally attuned. Even dedicating 15–20 minutes to intentionally check in about your emotional and relational wellbeing—rather than just logistics or finances—builds connection.

The idea is to focus on what’s working, what needs attention, and how each partner is doing beneath the surface. It’s preventative, not crisis management. It really strengthens the connection before the conflict happens.

It doesn’t have to be long. Five, ten, or fifteen minutes a week works. The important part is being present and free of distractions. This isn’t the time to talk about kids’ schedules or bills. It should be an emotional check-in.

I definitely don’t want this to be just a quick hello and goodbye. I really want you to be focused and present.

What if your partner doesn’t want to check-in?

Checking in with one another should be something that you guys want to do. If one partner resists doing check-ins altogether, that may be a red flag. In that case, it’s worth seeking counseling.

These three skills—gentle startup, listening chair, and regular check-ins—are simple enough to practice at home, any time. But there’s no shame in needing more support.

Don’t hesitate to get help from a couples therapist

Even if you’re using these tools effectively, deeper issues like trauma, your upbringing, or attachment wounds often surface in couples therapy. And that’s okay. Most couples who come to me start with conflict and communication struggles, but once we dig in, there are always many layers.

That’s why reaching out for help is never a weakness. It’s a step toward growth—and toward building a stronger, healthier relationship.