Dead Bedroom? A Couples Therapist Explains 4 Reasons for Lack of Intimacy

When you lie in bed with your partner night after night, barely touching and hardly ever (or never) getting intimate, it can feel incredibly lonely and frustrating. You wish that your relationship were in a better place, a place that made sexual activity feel safe and inviting. It may feel impossible to get back to that place right now, but it isn’t a lost cause, provided you’re both willing to make some changes.

The number of couples struggling with a lack of intimacy is on the rise. Research completed by the Institute for Family Studies revealed that between 1996 and 2008, 59% of married adults reported having sex once a week or more. That number fell to 49% between 2010 and 2024. Psychology Today reports that 7% of married couples haven’t had sex in at least a year.

But frequency alone doesn’t tell us much about the health of a relationship. Less sex doesn’t always mean less love, and more sex doesn’t always mean deeper connection. It’s also normal for sex to naturally ebb and flow, especially during big life transitions, like grief, stress, illness, and new parenthood.

If you and your partner are content with having less or no sex, there’s nothing inherently wrong. But if one or both of you want more connection, pleasure, or intimacy than you’re currently experiencing, that merits attention.

More often than not, sexual disconnection has roots beyond sex itself. Emotional distance, unresolved resentment, burnout, mismatched desire, or difficulty talking about needs can all quietly erode closeness. If left unaddressed, these deeper issues can affect more than your sexual connection. They can weaken trust, safety, and ease in the relationship as a whole.

If you’re reading this because you’ve noticed that sex has shifted in your relationship, remember this: you haven’t done anything wrong by being human, overwhelmed, or tired. What matters is what you choose to do from here.

4 Reasons for Problems with Intimacy in a Relationship

Intimacy in a long-term relationship usually isn’t just about attraction or hormones. When couples stop getting physical, it’s usually not the problem—it’s the symptom. It can be a reflection of emotional disconnection, unspoken needs, and relational patterns that are no longer working.

In my couples therapy practice, I see four common patterns that tend to lead couples to have less intimacy over time. My hope is that by naming and exploring them, you’ll feel less alone, less confused, and more empowered to create meaningful change together.

Intimacy Blocker #1: Emotional Distance

Emotional distance often leads to physical distance. Sexual intimacy is vulnerable—it requires safety and closeness that start long before you get to the bedroom. When couples stop sharing daily updates, checking in emotionally, or being affectionate, intimacy becomes harder to access. If you feel unseen, misunderstood, or disconnected, why would you want to be physically close?

Small things matter. Asking, “How was your day?” sharing inside jokes, morning hugs, quick kisses—these moments build the emotional glue that makes physical connection feel safe and inviting. When they disappear, so does that sense of safety.

In heterosexual couples, it’s often the woman who notices emotional distance affecting sex. Men may not articulate, “I need a safe emotional connection to want sex,” but that doesn’t mean they don’t feel it too. Vulnerability—whether in conversation, intimacy, or sex—requires trust and safety. Without it, connection is impossible.

I often hear men say, “I do everything—I support the family, handle the kids, do the chores—but I’m still not getting what I want, which is sex.” They assume these contributions automatically create emotional closeness. But co-parenting or living together isn’t the same as emotional connection. That’s why we need to have honest conversations about what truly builds intimacy.

How to reestablish emotional connection: it’s the small things

Life is busy—the kids, work, family obligations—so it’s easy to fall into routines and neglect those small, emotionally connecting moments. That’s normal. But if you’re intentional, strengthening your relationship doesn’t have to require grand gestures.

It’s the everyday admiration, thank-yous, little jokes, and shared rituals that add up to meaningful emotional connection.

Intimacy Blocker #2: Unresolved Conflict

I often see unresolved conflict and quiet resentment as a major reason for a lack of intimacy in a relationship.

You might not be actively fighting, but tension can still be there. A pile-up of unmet needs, a lack of appreciation, or unequal responsibilities create silent resentment. One partner may feel like they’re doing everything, while the other feels criticized or shut out. Neither feels safe to initiate or connect, so emotional walls go up. These walls often show up as avoidance, short tempers, or withdrawal—all of which kill sexual desire.

Resolved conflict doesn’t always mean solving a problem. Some issues are “perpetual” and unsolvable. The goal is to keep the dialogue open, practice compromise, and make “repair attempts” in a constructive way.

Unresolved conflict usually means one or both partners feel unheard. That silence builds into resentment. I call it “silent resentment” because we often don’t talk about it. Instead, feelings accumulate until they explode in a big fight, leaving one partner thinking, “Where did all this come from?”

How to reach a new level of understanding: start with empathy

The solution is intentional repair: listening, understanding each other’s perspective, and, when possible, finding compromise. Equally important is creating an action plan for the next time the issue arises. Once you understand what bothers your partner and why, you can strategize together about how to handle it differently in the future.

For three simple, actionable skills that will help you listen to and understand each other, see this article and video on improving couples communication.

Sometimes compromise isn’t possible because the problem is rooted in core values. You won’t change your partner’s mind, but understanding where they’re coming from builds empathy, and empathy often leads to workable solutions. For example, maybe working out is crucial for me, but my partner is exhausted managing kids and a full-time job. By understanding their perspective, I might adjust my schedule or help them get a break, balancing both our needs.

Empathy comes from friendship. Relationships start with friendship, but over time, partners can begin to act like enemies instead of friends. We listen to and support our friends; we give them feedback without ego. We need to do the same with our partners: put aside who’s “right” or “wrong,” try to understand their perspective, and make them feel heard. That alone can make a huge difference.

Intimacy Blocker #3: Touch Equals Pressure

​​If every touch feels like it comes with an expectation of sex, many people start to pull away. This is especially common when there’s a desire mismatch—when one partner wants more sex than the other. The lower-desire partner may feel guilty, overwhelmed, or pressured, thinking things like, “If I cuddle them, they’ll assume I want sex, but I’m just tired,” or, “If I initiate, what if they say no again?”

It works both ways, but over time, both partners stop trying, and the silence between them grows heavier.

I’m not a sex therapist, but this comes up frequently with my couples. What we often do is talk about the many different types of intimacy, because a lot of people automatically equate it with intercourse. We work on broadening that definition and removing the expectation that touch always leads to sex.

How to eliminate pressure: touch without expectations

One common approach is Sensate Focus, a structured exercise designed to slow things down. The goal is to help couples reconnect through touch without pressure or performance expectations.

Sensate focus has several phases. It usually starts with non-sexual touch, where one partner touches the other slowly and intentionally, without aiming for arousal or intercourse, and then they switch roles. The focus is on giving and receiving.

Intimacy Blocker #4: Avoiding the Conversation

Talking about sex feels awkward for many couples, especially when things have slowed down. Instead of addressing it, they avoid it—but that avoidance only deepens the disconnection.

Sex isn’t happening, and no one knows how to bring it up without shame or frustration. Over time, the silence becomes its own problem. The longer it goes unspoken, the harder it feels to reconnect.

You’d be surprised how many couples come to therapy and, when asked, “Why haven’t you talked about this?” have no answer. It’s uncomfortable. Often there’s something underneath—fear, for example: “If I bring this up, it’ll become a reality. We’ll have to talk, and who knows what will happen?”

Despite the discomfort, it’s important to have these conversations. You don’t need a couples therapist to start talking, but if you’ve been struggling to discuss intimacy issues on your own, working with an expert can make the process easier and more productive.

How to start talking about sex again: working with a couple’s therapist

Couples therapy provides a safe space to have those difficult conversations about sex and intimacy that many couples struggle to initiate on their own. A therapist can help navigate the vulnerability, shame, or fear that often keeps these crucial topics off-limits.

If you're ready to move beyond the frustration and disconnection, remember that seeking help is a sign of strength and commitment to your relationship. The intimacy you once shared—or perhaps the deeper connection you've always wanted—is still possible. Sometimes all it takes is the right guidance to find your way back to each other.