The Untapped Power of Empathy in Relationships

“That’s not what I meant” or “You’re not hearing what I’m saying” are things I hear clients say to their partners all too often. When these comments go ignored, small resentments build, conversations are avoided, and needs go unmet. This can happen slowly over time, and it’s often hard to realize that it’s happening at all.

By the time clients come to me for help, they’re typically struggling with major conflicts. They care about each other, but can’t seem to connect. More often than not, the underlying issue comes down to a misunderstanding of empathy.

Empathy isn’t just important to feel during conflict. It’s a skill that helps all stages of a relationship, the good times and the bad. People often think, “I’m just bad at empathy” when the reality is usually, “I just never learned.”

Like all relational skills, empathy can be learned, improved upon, and engrained in our everyday interactions.

What does empathy look like in a relationship?

Empathy is the ability to understand another person’s inner world, including how they see, perceive, and react to situations from their lived experiences. This includes messages received as a child, past romantic relationships, social influences and interactions with people in their world.

If your partner says, “You just don’t care about me,” the very normal and common reaction is to get defensive and an attempt to show that you do care. While the intent here is pure, it often misses. Being empathetic means that you get curious, ask questions, and try to understand how they received a message that you had no intention of sending.

Your partner might say “I spent all day cleaning the house for you and you walked in and didn’t even notice.” A non-empathetic response could be “I do care, I just don’t really care about a clean house as much as you do.” Whereas, an empathetic response could be, “I’m so sorry, I realize how upsetting it is to not be acknowledged for your hard work; while a clean house isn’t one of my priorities, I know how you feel when I clean for you and I’d like to be more aware of your efforts.”

With this example, it’s important to understand that empathy doesn’t mean that you adopt their value system or feel the same way they do, but rather that you acknowledge and realize how important something is to them.

This empathy can mean the difference between your partner feeling dismissed vs. feeling validated and deeply understood.

Why empathy changes the dynamic

When empathy is practiced, something shifts in a relationship dynamic. Your partner stops feeling like they have to get defensive and argue their point, and instead can be more vulnerable in a safe space. They can express what they feel and think without fear of being told that they’re wrong or being given a fix so quickly.

A client once said, “I’m doing everything I can. I don’t get why she’s still upset.” What he hadn’t realized was that his partner wasn’t asking for more effort. She was asking for emotional understanding and patience. He finally asked why his efforts weren’t working and she replied, “That’s not what I want. I want you to understand and validate how I feel. I want you to hear me. That’s all”

When he shifted from “let me explain myself” to “what message are you hearing from me,” their conversations changed. Instead of defending his actions, he acknowledged how she felt. And once he really started listening and empathizing, she was more likely to hear him out as well.

Often, a partner’s emotional reaction is not grounded in the current reality, but rather a reaction from a past event. I want both partners to be able to say “that’s not what I meant,” but that’s just the beginning of the conversation. They need to work together to find clarity and understanding.

Empathy creates emotional safety. When people feel safe, they tend to be more vulnerable, express deep needs, and lean on their partner. When defenses go down, anxiety decreases, and communication improves. And when communication improves on a much deeper level, this is when the real healing occurs.

Common misunderstandings about empathy

“If I show empathy, it means they’re right and I’m wrong.”

Empathy isn’t about being right or wrong. It’s often believed that if you acknowledge your partner’s feelings, you weaken your own stance or give something up. It’s quite the opposite, empathy enhances communication and connection. When your partner feels like you see and hear them, they’re more likely to see and hear you.

“This language seems soft and feminine.”

There’s a common belief, especially with men, that focusing on emotions is soft or unnecessary. Empathy is not only a skill useful in romantic relationships, but also in any other relationship whether it’s with family or friends, or in a work setting. Being able to understand how others see things allows you to be more attuned to their needs and more likely to meet them. If the other person is getting what they need, the likelihood of conflict reduces greatly.

“If I get caught up in these emotions, I’ll lose control.”

I hear this statement often not only when asked to empathize, but in general when I ask a client to sit with their feelings. While experiencing hard emotions can elicit strong reactions, if you and partner are both feeling empathy, there’s a strong safety net that allows healthier processing of these emotions. If someone feels heard and validated, these big emotions all of a sudden are a little less scary.

How to rebuild empathy after repeated conflict

Empathy doesn’t require hours-long conversations or constant deep level processing. It starts with an approach that any good therapist would take: “be curious and non-judgmental.”

Start like a scientist gathering data, just pay attention to what your partner says and how they say it. Assume that what they’re saying is true for them in their reality. You don’t have to agree that what they’re saying is true to you, but understand how it can be true to them. Fight the urge to get defensive or explain yourself.

Next we reflect and say what you think you’re hearing: “It sounds like you felt ignored when I didn’t notice the clean house,” or “I’m hearing that you felt unappreciated.” While I admit this can come off as “therapy speak,” it’s incredibly powerful to ask them how they’re feeling so we can pinpoint exactly what’s going on. If you’re wrong, you can ask for clarification. Once this happens, we can start asking about meaning, and this can often provide a deep look into our partner’s inner lived experience.

Men tend to be fixers, so the common response is to often get defensive and then correct. This is often where unintentional gaslighting occurs. Rather than trying to convince them that you do care, understanding what it means to them is often the real fix.

Understanding emotional language

Another barrier I see often is limited emotional vocabulary. Most people will say they know there are multiple emotions, but often struggle to get past being mad, sad, scared, and happy coupled with the belief that negative emotions are to be fixed or avoided to live a happy and healthy life.

When your partner says, “I feel bad about how that went,” ask clarifying questions like, “Did you feel hurt, betrayed, belittled?” If you know exactly how they feel, empathy becomes easier. (Using an emotional wheel can be helpful.)

I often suggest not just identifying the emotion, but also the intensity. I can feel bothered by something or feel enraged. When you can pinpoint exactly how your partner feels, you can fine tune the support you can give them.

Reframing so-called negative emotions

Emotions aren’t problems to eliminate or fix. Like a ‘check engine’ light in your car, they’re information that needs attention to avoid bigger problems down the road.

Many men are taught to avoid or fix emotions like sadness, anger, or fear. In relationships, this is also avoiding valuable connection opportunities. Like knowing what tool to use for what job, when we know the use of an emotion, we can better understand why it’s there and come to a conclusion sooner and more effectively.

Sadness signals a connection with something lost or missed and shows us what’s important and allows for deeper connection with those things. Anger can signal wrongdoing and motivate us to do something about it. Fear is a powerful protector and signals something potentially dangerous and starts preparing us.

When you can stay present with these emotions, you create space for exploration. When done properly, that exploration can allow us to react and interact in the healthiest and most productive way.

What this sounds like in real conversations

Without empathy:

Partner: You didn’t respond to my text earlier.

You: I was busy. It’s not a big deal.

What happens next: The partner gets dismissed and often a deeper wound gets touched. They hear “you’re not important.”

With empathy:

Partner: “You didn’t respond to my text earlier.

You: I can see why that felt frustrating. You were waiting to hear back and didn’t know what was going on. I know how it can look to you when I don’t respond.

What happens next: The emotion is acknowledged. The conversation moves forward instead of getting stuck. By starting with empathy, we can now open up a dialogue where you can explain what happened and how it didn’t mean that you didn’t care.

Practicing empathy day-to-day

Empathy is a two-way street. When you listen to understand instead of listen to respond, you not only learn more about your partner, it opens up the environment for you to also be heard.

A few skills to focus on:

Stop fighting to be right

Just because you’re right about something, doesn’t make it helpful. Quality advice or feedback needs a proper environment to be received. If someone feels they’re not heard or understood, there’s a low likelihood they’ll lower their defenses and be willing to be challenged. Empathy, like stretching before a run, can provide that environment that allows someone to be open and receptive.

Don’t be afraid to apologize

This isn’t always easy and likely to have some bumps along the way. I’m not concerned if you make a mistake, I’m concerned if that mistake is never owned up to and repair is not made. We are pretty good at coping with a rupture, we are not very good at coping when no reparations have been attempted.

Ask for feedback

If you’re trying to be more empathetic and supportive but don’t receive feedback or affirmation, it makes it difficult to keep trying. Don’t be afraid to say “How did that resonate with you? When you got upset and I tried to ask how you felt instead of my normal defensiveness?”

Those who develop these skills tend to report stronger connections and more respect for not only your partner, but the relationship. As with any new skill, start small. Try practicing this with some easier to work with topics and work up to more difficult ones. The harder the conversations, the bigger the reward.