Friendship Breakups: Why They Cut Deep & How to Heal

Adult friendships can end for all sorts of reasons—from someone treating you like their personal assistant, to going on a date with your crush, to being consistently an hour late for plans, for example (yes, all of these have happened to me).

Sometimes there’s a clear cause for a friendship breakup. Other times, there’s just a sense of drifting apart from friends or of outgrowing the friendship. While less confrontational, these "quiet" friendship losses can be just as painful.

Losing a friend in adulthood (whether it was your decision, theirs, or mutual) is likely to bring up a mix of emotions. The loss can feel triggering in a way you didn’t expect it to, especially if you've lost one of your closest friends.

It's not just you

Adult friendships are getting harder to come by. In 1990, 3% of people reported having no close friends. Eleven years later, in 2021, that number had quadrupled to 12% (American Survey Center, 2021). Some experts even go so far as to say we’re in a “friendship recession” (Bruckmann, 2025).

This trend makes it even more distressing when you lose a friend. You aren’t just losing a relationship—you’re losing traditions, routines, a shared history, inside jokes, and the emotional support. When a friend was a big part of your identity, your sense of self can take a hit, too.

Emily, a 40-year-old designer living in Portland, OR, was heartbroken when a close friend texted her to explain that she wanted to cut ties. "I had filed for divorce from my husband and she was trying to save her troubled marriage," says Emily. "She didn't want to be around someone who had 'already given up of love.'" Emily was devastated and also angry. "I fell into a state of grief while also feeling judged and rejected," she remembers. "This person who had known me for 15 years was suddenly gone from my life."

Is it normal to grieve a friendship breakup?

Yes—it’s normal to grieve a friendship breakup, says Dr. Marissa G. Franco, a psychologist, expert on connection, and author of Platonic: How The Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends.

You might feel a slew of mixed emotions: sadness, anger, confusion, or even relief. When you’re losing any type of relationship, it’s expected that you may feel some type of grief.

“Whatever you feel is valid and likely to be universal,” Dr. Franco adds. “It's very normal for people to go through friendship breakups. It doesn't mean something's wrong with you or the other person. It doesn't mean the friendship was a waste.”

Why does losing a friend hurt so much?

Unfortunately, friendship loss often feels invisible or minimized by those who aren’t going through it. “Part of the reason losing a friend hurts so much is because you don't get permission to grieve and to be hurt and to be affected,” Dr. Franco says. “It triggers something called disenfranchised grief, and that's when you're grieving something other people don't validate. It is significant, and it disrupts your own grieving process.”

Basically, people expect heartbreak after a romantic partner breakup, but not so much for a friend breakup, even though the feelings can be just as intense.

“There's an assumption that friendships are trivial and we just shouldn't be as impacted by them as we are,” Dr. Franco says. “There's some evidence that women often experience more intimacy with their friends and their romantic partner…and so that means that they might be losing one of the most intimate relationships of their whole lives.”

Losing that intimate connection can intensify loneliness in adulthood because friendships play an important role in our well-being. Research shows that adult friendships provide emotional support, a sense of safety, validation, and promote a positive sense of self, among numerous other benefits (Pezirkianidis, 2023).

It’s no wonder you might feel like the rug’s been pulled out from under you when you lose a friend, because you’re losing those benefits, too—especially if they were one of your main sources of intimacy and emotional support.

Why do adult friendships feel harder to make and keep?

In childhood, teen years, and in college, it’s relatively easy to maintain friendships. You go to the same place nearly every day, and likely see the same people you’ve been with over the course of years. So, you don’t necessarily have to put in effort to meet new people. Your friends might feel “built in.”

This all changes in adulthood. Life transitions shift priorities and availability. You and your friends may not be in the same place anymore, and you don’t have the same schedules. Plus, as an adult, you have more responsibilities and obligations than you did as a kid or teen, which can make it more difficult to maintain a robust network of friends, says Heather Montemarano, a licensed creative arts therapist with Alma.

Making and keeping adult friendships requires time, effort, and dedication. We have to intentionally carve out time and energy to pour into our friendships. “If we rely on the same assumption that we had when we were kids, that friendship should just happen, then we’re going to end up lonely,” says Dr. Franco.

Why do friendships end or change in adulthood?

On top of the logistical concerns that come along with the struggles of adult friendships, other factors play into changing friendships as an adult.

Adulthood might bring about changes in values and identity, as well as boundaries and non-negotiables you didn’t have when you were younger. Or, sometimes, friendships don’t end because someone did something “wrong,” but because two friends grew in different directions.

Should I try to fix the friendship or let it go?

If you’re struggling with the decision of fixing or ending a friendship, there are some key factors to consider.

Dr. Franco suggests asking yourself, “Is this issue a chapter of the book, or is it the whole book?” If it seems like the current struggle has always been an issue, that might indicate a deeper incompatibility, she says. However, if it’s a newer issue after the person has always been a good friend to you, you can consider fixing things.

Another good question to ask yourself is, “What’s the cost of fixing this versus not fixing it?” says Montemarano.

“If you feel like you're begging for them to get on the same page of trying to fix it, and they're not really reciprocating that energy, it's a good time to reflect,” Montemarano adds. In these situations, repair isn’t always possible, especially if you’re standing your ground on your boundaries. Repair requires both people to put work into the relationship.

When you want to fix the friendship, it’s important to approach the initial conversation with compassion rather than coming at your friend hot and pointing fingers. Dr. Franco recommends following these steps.

• Lead with empathy and a goal of reconciliation rather than combativeness.
• Introduce the conversation by saying something like “Our friendship is so important to me, and you're someone I never want to lose, so I just want to make sure we talk through things that come up between us.”
• Use “I” statements, like “I felt hurt when you…”
• Plan for potential future conflict. You can say, “In the future, why don't we handle this this way?”

How do I know if I’m outgrowing a friendship—or just going through a rough patch?

Outgrowing friendships is common in adulthood as you navigate major life changes, such as career transitions, moving out of state, getting married, divorced, or starting a family. But, sometimes it’s confusing whether you’re outgrowing friendships or if it’s just a rough patch.

An easy tell? Pay attention to how the relationship feels over time. If effort consistently feels one-sided and emotionally draining, it may be more than a passing phase.

Rough patches are situational. Maybe someone is going through a super busy, overwhelming time, but there’s still mutual care, respect, and check-ins. However, it’s likely you’re outgrowing the friendship if you notice a lack of respect, very different values, your boundaries being disregarded, or that you don’t feel like you can be yourself with them anymore.

Montemarano suggests listening to your internal cues and signals here, too. If you feel a deep sense of discomfort in your body rather than just a passing feeling of frustration, it could be a sign that you’re no longer aligned.

How do I cope with a friendship breakup?

Friendship grief is painful, and it deserves to be treated with care. Here’s how to cope with losing a friend.

• Give yourself grace: Allow time to grieve and heal, rather than rushing to closure or pushing emotions away whenever they pop up. Montemarano suggests journaling as a good way to process your emotions during this time.
• Allow grief without self-blame: Remember that there are so many reasons why a friendship can end or why two people might drift apart. Losing a friend isn’t a personal failure, and you don’t have to sit with self-blame.
• Take some time off social media: Seeing highlight reels of other people’s friendships can intensify your loneliness and make you miss your friend even more. Take some time away from socials and focus on using the time you would’ve spent scrolling for self-care, instead.
• Lean on other connections: Avoid completely isolating, which can make negative emotions fester. Montemarano stresses the importance of spending time with your other friends and building up those connections. You can express how you’re feeling and vent to them or do something fun to get your mind off the breakup.
• Learn from the friendship breakup: Any type of breakup is a learning opportunity. You can think of key takeaways like new ideas for setting boundaries in friendships, or qualities you do and don’t want in your friends.
• Seek professional help: If your friendship grief feels all-consuming or is interfering with your daily life for an extended period of time, consider therapy.

When should I talk to a therapist about friendship loss?

It’s totally normal to feel intense emotions and grief after a friendship breakup. However, if you’re stuck experiencing the same emotion over and over, or if you can’t stop ruminating about the situation, you might consider talking to a therapist—especially if the grief is impacting your day-to-day functioning, Dr. Franco says.

Additionally, therapy is a great option if you’re noticing that dynamics from earlier relationships are resurfacing. Or, if you feel like you’re noticing a pattern of your friendships blowing up, a therapist can help you identify and interrupt the cycle you might be in, says Dr. Franco. Attachment-based therapy is one modality that can help you examine your attachment style and patterns in relationships, for example.

How do I move forward after a friendship breakup?

After a friendship breakup, there’s only one direction to go: forward.

Think back to a time you’ve lost a friend in the past (either due to a breakup or simply drifting apart). You might have thought you would never find someone else to have fun with or connect with … but then you did. It’s possible to meet new people and connect more deeply than you thought possible. Just remember, friendships take time, Montemarano says.

Additionally, try to avoid generalizing and expecting the worst from other relationships. Know that every friendship will be different, and you won’t necessarily experience the same type of breakup with your other friends. “Try to remember that just because it's happened to you, it doesn't mean it's gonna happen again,” says Montemarano.

So, make room for new connections without comparing them to the friend you lost (easier said than done), and have faith that you’ll make a new friend who’s an even better fit for you.

You’re not broken for losing friendships

Friendship transitions in adulthood are inevitable, and losing a friendship in adulthood is a near-universal experience. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, and so many others are in the same shoes as you.

You’re allowed to grieve and grow at the same time — experiencing mixed emotions and missing your friend while also making space for a new version of yourself and new connections.