Grief Counseling: When & How to Get Started

Figuring out how to live alongside grief and grow despite it isn’t easy, and that holds true no matter how much time has passed since your loss or losses. Calling in added support doesn’t mean you’re failing at navigating your grief. It means you recognize that you can use the support of someone who understands grief differently than you do. Seeing a grief counselor or focusing specifically on grief during your therapy sessions may be just what you need to add more tools to your mental health toolkit.

There’s an unspoken belief that everyone should know how to “move past” grief because, at one point or another, everyone comes face to face with it. The reality isn’t so simple.

As Valerie Neck, LCSW, a therapist at Alma, notes: “Grief is often not orderly or predictable, and does not adhere to any timeline. I encourage you to find a place (or places) where you can talk about your loss and the process of reconciliation and healing as long as you need to. Self-compassion may be an area that is particularly important to strengthen, as well as self-care.”

A grief therapist can be a sounding board that helps you navigate the complex feelings tangled up with grief.

The goal of grief therapy is not to fix or change how you’re feeling — typical grief is not a pathology or condition to be treated. Experts at the forefront of grief therapy describe the clinicians’ role as “companioning” versus “treating” grief, aiming to walk alongside the griever and learn from them what may/may not be helpful to their process.

Is there a right (or wrong) time to start grief counseling?

Before you get into the logistics of finding a grief therapist, it’s important to understand that there is never a right or wrong time to start grief counseling. Whether you experienced a major loss two weeks ago or two decades ago, your timing to seek support is whenever it feels like the right time for you.

“In my experience, grief counseling can never be too late,” adds Neck. “I’ve worked with veterans in their fifties and sixties who, prior to our work together, had never had the opportunity to process a significant loss that had occurred in childhood or adolescence. They were able to begin the reconciliation process and unbind the grief knots they’d be carrying for decades.”

Neck recommends being honest with yourself about the right time to involve someone else in your grief journey and reminding yourself that everyone’s answer to that question is different.

“For some clients experiencing grief, it has been helpful to wait 2-3 weeks to allow time for the intensity of the feelings to settle. For others, finding a safe, compassionate environment soon after the loss was most beneficial. The type of loss – anticipated, sudden, traumatic, and/or unresolved – can also affect how soon a person may need support.”

What is grief counseling and can it help you?

Timing aside, you might have other questions or doubts about grief counseling. For example, you might be wondering, “How do I actually know if grief counseling is even for me?” or “Can my regular therapist also act as my grief counselor?”

Put simply, if you feel like you need support to navigate your grief, then you don’t need to justify it or explain it in any other way. It’s enough to know that you need help and that there are therapists ready to assist you.

If you’re debating whether this kind of support is right for you, that’s also a very honest question to sit with. The truth is that asking for help doesn’t come naturally to most of us, especially when it comes to asking for support on a topic as personal as a major loss. It’s also hard to distinguish between what are red flags and what is the natural flow of someone learning to live with grief.

Neck clarifies that since grief and other mental health conditions can share symptoms, a therapist is one of the best resources available to help distinguish between both.

Grief counseling can utilize a variety of psychotherapeutic modalities, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or art therapy. For individuals dealing with grief as well as post-traumatic stress disorder or depression, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Complicated Grief Reactions (CBTgrief) may be particularly helpful.

Your therapist or counselor will support the processing of, what are often experienced as, difficult and unpleasant feelings. This can be facilitated individually, with family members, and even through group therapy. “I have found that a group setting can be a strong container for healing,” says Neck. “It provides the opportunity to normalize aspects of grief that non-grievers may not understand and can decrease isolation.”

It’s also possible that your existing therapist may be capable of holding a safe, grief-centered space for you. If you do want your current therapist to double as a grief counselor, it’s okay to feel them out by asking about their own experience with grief or talk about grief-related topics. “A primary factor to being therapeutically available to hold space for another’s grief is the degree to which the therapist has processed his/her/their own losses,” says Neck.

What to expect from grief counseling

Before your first grief-focused therapy session, it’s typical to have a therapy consultation and complete an assessment.

“The assessment will shape your first session,” explains Neck. “For example, if the loss is due to a chronic, prolonged illness in which hospice support was involved at the end, the first session will be different than one involving an individual who has just lost her leg to amputation, is living alone, and has no close family or friends. An individualized approach to an individual experience of loss is required.”

Your one major takeaway about grief-focused therapy sessions should be that, like your own experience with grief, you can expect a unique experience tailored to your unique needs, coping strategies, and goals. Your grief counselor will be able to hold space for you, no matter where you are on your grief journey.

“Active, nonjudgmental listening is always, always present,” adds Neck. “Especially as time passes after the loss, there can be external messages that suggest one ‘should be over it.’ For someone who is grieving, having a dedicated space to talk, cry, be silent, angry, and every other emotion that may arise, is vital to the reconciliation process surrounding a loss.”

How to find grief counseling covered by insurance

Given all that you’re managing right now, thinking about the cost of grief counseling may feel overwhelming. But if you have an insurance plan that includes mental health benefits, it’s likely that grief counseling will be covered for you. If it is, you might be responsible for a co-pay or co-insurance that can be as low as $15 or $25.

The best way to know for sure is to call the customer service number on the back of your insurance card and ask specifically about grief counseling.

The same goes for Medicare. While mental health benefits are considered an essential service under Medicare B, it’s best to call and ask the questions above so you know exactly what to expect.

There are two other ways you may be able to make grief counseling more affordable if using insurance isn’t an option and cost is a concern. If you’re employed, reach out to your Human Resources department and ask if your company offers an EAP, aka an employee assistance program, that includes grief counseling. Finally, you can look for grief counselors who offer services on a “sliding scale” that will be based on what you can afford.

What to do next if you feel grief counseling is right for you

If you want to start grief counseling, your next step is to schedule 15-minute consultations with therapists who specialize in this area and who you think you might connect with. Or, if you have a therapist already, approach them with questions about wanting to shift your sessions to be more grief-specific.

Neck underscores the importance of a consultation, even if they do seem too short to discuss a subject as complex and deep as grief. “The therapeutic exchange, though brief on the phone, may provide information about the goodness of fit between you and the therapist,” she says. “Did you feel heard? What was the tone? How did you feel during and after the consultation? These can be helpful ways to identify whether or not you would want to move forward with this therapist. Loss is vulnerable and complex. It is important to feel safe, first and foremost.”