Tools for Couples: How to Use “Love Maps” to Rebuild Your Bond

Early in your relationship, you spent every waking hour together and never ran out of things to say or questions to ask. You were close on every level and intimacy was easy. Fast forward a few years (or decades) and the only things you talk about are logistics, the kids, and what’s new on streaming. You can barely remember what it felt like to be in love, or to have a best-friend-slash-partner who you could share just about anything with.

The truth is that closeness is something couples lose all too easily over time, and the consequences are high. “Growing apart” is one of the top four reasons that married couples seek divorce (Amato & Previti, 2003).

How can two people who share so much turn into near strangers? The world's foremost relationship experts have discovered that the answer comes down to this: they stop knowing each other in the ways that matter most. Luckily, this is something that can be reversed, provided you’re willing to put in the time and effort.

If you’re feeling distant from your partner and are ready to re-build your bond, a relationship tool known as “Love Maps” may be exactly what you need.

What are Gottman Love Maps?

Love Maps are a relationship communication tool created by clinical psychologist Dr. John Gottman and introduced in his bestselling book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. To explain the role that Love Maps play in successful long-term relationships, we need to start with another Gottman concept: the Sound Relationship House.

Gottman suggests that a foundationally secure relationship is like a house. The house has sturdy walls of trust and commitment—the agreement to fully love each other and stick together through thick and thin. Within the house are seven floors, each of which represents a behavior integral to a supportive and healthy relationship.

The 7 floors of Gottman’s Sound Relationship House:

1. Build Love Maps - Know each other’s world
2. Share Fondness & Admiration - Express appreciation
3. Turn Towards - Respond to bids for connection
4. The Positive Perspective - Seeing the good in each other
5. Manage Conflict - Health dialog & coping
6. Make Life Dreams Come True - Support each other’s goals
7. Create Shared Meaning - Rituals & Symbols

Love maps form the foundation of your relationship. A Love Map is a guide you create in your mind of your partner's inner world. For it to be strong—something you can build a whole relationship on—it can’t be composed of superficial or obvious knowledge.

Sure, you know your partner’s favorite color is blue. But do you know what keeps them up at 3 AM when they can't sleep? You know your partner loves their job. But do you know what aspect of that same job makes them feel small and unseen? Do you know the dream they've been afraid to say out loud?

This kind of information isn’t likely to come up spontaneously as you rush around the kitchen in the morning or discuss weekend plans. It takes concerted effort. And, because you and your partner are always growing and evolving, Love Maps also require regular updating.

Do Love Maps really work?

Many researchers have studied whether the Gottman approach—including Love Maps—really works and the answer is a resounding yes. Couples who work with Gottman-trained therapists focus on strengthening optimistic views of their partner, increasing self-disclosure, and improving mutual understanding.

Research shows that this approach:

• Produces favorable “adjustment outcomes”—a quantitative measurement of the quality and stability of a marriage (Davoodvandi et al., 2018)
• Leads to long-term effectiveness in decreasing the “demand-withdraw” communication pattern—the destructive conflict cycle where one partner pressures while the other shuts down (Deylami et al., 2020)
• Is more effective than other treatments in improving trust, conflict management, relational satisfaction, and quality of sex (Irvine et al., 2024)
• Is even effective with couples coping with infidelity, which is some of the hardest work couples do (Zahl-Olsen et al., 2024)

Collectively, these studies confirm that Gottman couples therapy produces statistically significant and clinically meaningful improvements across diverse samples, delivery formats, and relationship challenges.

How Love Maps improve couple communication & connection

The science is clear: Gottman’s framework is effective. But what specifically makes Love Maps so transformative for daily interactions? They fundamentally change how you relate to one another, offering three key benefits for communication and connection.

Love Maps protect relationships against stress

Truly knowing your partner prepares you for life's inevitable challenges. A prime example: having a baby. A study conducted on newlyweds found that 67% of couples experienced a sharp drop in relationship satisfaction after the birth of their first child (Gottman & Gottman, 2017). That number is devastating, but not surprising.

The other 33%? They either didn't experience this drop or actually saw their relationship improve because they started using detailed Love Maps before the birth.

Couples who constantly checked-in were better able to adapt to the stressful transition.

Love Maps increase vulnerability

Sharing your innermost feelings creates emotional bonds that deepen relationships. There's an abundance of evidence to support the link between disclosure reciprocity, trust, intimacy, closeness, and relationship satisfaction in adult relationships (Sprecher et al., 2013).

When we share, our partner shares. When they share, we share. It's a positive cycle that fuels itself.

Love Maps challenge couples to keep learning

At the start of a relationship, people naturally ask questions to get to know each other—novelty sparks curiosity, which in turn leads to nuanced understanding and emotional intimacy. But as time goes on, partners assume they know everything about each other, and stop asking those exploratory questions. This means they stop learning about their partner (Carton, 2015).

When we start asking Love Map questions, we begin to learn again, which helps to bring back that sense of closeness.

What happens if you don’t build Love Maps

If a couple doesn't build or maintain their Love Maps, their bond can begin to suffer. You’re likely to pull apart instead of come together during stressful situations. You may feel distracted around each other and emotionally disconnected. You function more like roommates instead of romantic partners.

Couples don’t neglect Love Maps on purpose, and realizing that you’ve let them slip isn’t a reason to beat yourself up. It happens. The important thing is that Love Maps can always be recreated and updated.

How to use Gottman Love Maps

This is the simple part, and we promise it really is simple. Start today, with just one question; that's it! Gottman provides suggested Love Map questions on their free app. You can also create your own questions.

Here are a few to get you started:

1. Name your partner's two closest friends
2. What stresses does your partner have right now?
3. What is your partner's favorite way to spend an evening?
4. Name a person your partner dislikes.
5. What is your partner's ideal job?

The point isn't the specific question, it's the curiosity behind it. It's the message that says, "I still want to know you. You still matter to me."

Common Love Maps mistakes (and what to do instead)

As with any intervention/tool in counseling, there are a few things you'll want to keep in mind when building Love Maps with your partner. For the best results, try to avoid the following:

Grilling your partner

What it is: Making your partner feel like they’re in the hot seat by asking them a bunch of rapid-fire questions. "What's your favorite color? Who's your best friend? What do you want for dinner?"

What to do instead: Slow down, friend. Remember it's about making a meaningful connection with your person, not checking boxes on a list.

Throwing blame

What it is: Blaming the one who doesn't know because they "should know." Oof. This one hurts relationships fast.

What to do instead: Remember, communication is a two-way street, and we're all partially responsible for staying connected. Sometimes the person who doesn't share is just as responsible as the person who doesn't ask.

Taking offense

What it is: Getting your feelings hurt when your partner doesn't know something. "You don't even know my middle name?!"

What to do instead: See it as an opportunity to grow closer together. You're uncovering new territory. That's exciting, not shameful.

Holding back

What it is: Being reluctant to answer honestly or share dreams out of fear of judgment. This one’s hard.

What to do instead: Show up authentically. That is all you have to do. You don't have to be perfect or have it all figured out.

Assuming you know

What it is: Thinking "I already know everything about my partner." We've been married for years and we’re still learning new things.

What to do instead: Take the humble approach that recognizes people are constantly evolving. You're different than you were five years ago (maybe even 5 months ago); so are they.

Getting distracted

What it is: Trying to watch your favorite TV show while answering questions. We all know that isn’t going to work.

What to do instead: Give your partner the undivided attention they deserve. Put the phone down; turn off the TV; be present.

Take the Love Maps challenge

It's important to recognize this can be hard work AND putting effort into your Love Maps is the foundation that makes everything within your relationship possible. Just like any home, your relationship requires ongoing active maintenance to keep everything running smoothly and up-to-date. You wouldn't skip changing the oil in your car for five years - it’s the same principle.

The research is clear, Love Maps work. But you have to be willing to commit to the work. Most of us say we want a great relationship, but we're not willing to do the daily maintenance. We want the result without the process.

Our challenge for you: Start tonight with three Love Map questions. Not tomorrow, not when things calm down… Tonight. The key here: No big heavy conversation about how disconnected you feel, no dredging up the past, no "we need to talk" energy. Just taking the time to ask three meaningful questions to the love of your life. Pour some wine, sit on the porch, and just... ask.

The more room you make in your house for your partner, the stronger your foundation will be and the more connected you'll feel. Be ready to feel seen, known, and loved by the person you chose to be your number one.