Are You Still Compatible? 5 Couple Red Flags

Most people come to me convinced they already know what relationship compatibility looks like: two people who like the same things, want the same life, and never seem to argue or run out of things to say. I understand why that's appealing. But after years of working with couples, I can tell you it's one of the most persistent—and damaging—myths I encounter.

I'm Michelle Chaffardet, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I want to talk about compatibility in a way that might change how you think about your relationship. Not the romantic-comedy ideal, but rather real-life compatibility—what it means, how to spot it, and what to do when you feel like you're losing it.

What does “relationship compatibility” really mean?

Here's how I define compatibility as a couples therapist: it's being able to understand, respect, and navigate each other's differences in a healthy way. There's a meaningful distinction between sameness and attunement, and conflating the two leads a lot of couples astray.

Grounded in the Gottman method, the markers I look for are emotional connection, shared meaning, and the ability to manage conflict—not avoid it. You can like different music, have different hobbies, even have very different personalities, and still be deeply compatible in your values, your emotional safety, and your respect for one another. Those are the things that actually need to be strong.

Two unhelpful myths about relationship compatibility

The most common myth I hear from couples who are struggling is this: "If we were truly compatible, it wouldn't feel this hard." I want to address that directly, because it's simply not true.

Even compatible couples go through rough patches. Life brings stress, change, and growth—and those moments test our connection. That doesn't mean you've chosen the wrong person.

The other myth I hear often is that you have to want to do the same activities. You don't have to like the same sports or have the same hobbies. What matters isn't that your interests are identical, but that your values and your respect for each other run deep.

5 Signs you’re still compatible as a couple

If you're looking for reassurance, here's what genuine compatibility tends to look like in practice.

1. You still enjoy learning about each other. In Gottman Couples Therapy, this is called maintaining your "love maps"—knowing each other's inner worlds. It happens naturally at the start of a relationship because we're curious; we want to know everything. But over time, we tend to stop asking those questions. The key is staying curious and continuing to update your map of who your partner is, because we all evolve.
2. You handle conflict with care. It's not that you never disagree, it's that when you do, you know how to repair. The way you recover from conflict matters far more than whether conflict happens at all.
3. You share future goals or dreams. Compatible couples talk about the future together.
4. You support each other's individuality. You cheer each other on, even in separate pursuits.
5. You laugh together. Humor, inside jokes, a natural silliness between you — that ease is a quiet but powerful indicator of connection.

5 Warning signs that you may be growing apart

Knowing the warning signs is just as important. Here's what I watch for when a couple starts drifting.

1. Conversation stays surface level. You've stopped talking about the things that actually matter to you.
2. You've become more roommates than partners, with little emotional or physical intimacy between you.
3. One or both of you no longer feels emotionally safe. You feel judged or dismissed rather than understood.
4. Resentment starts to build. You're keeping score. Issues come up again and again without ever getting resolved.
5. You actively avoid spending time together. Being busy or distracted feels preferable to connecting with your partner.

Noticing a gap doesn't mean you're doomed

If you recognize some of those warning signs, the relationship is not over. Realizing there's a gap is actually where the work begins.

Relationships go through seasons. You may drive apart and come back together. And compatibility can absolutely be rebuilt—but only if both people are willing to be honest, self-aware, and committed to growing together. It only becomes a real problem when those signs are ignored for too long, or when one person is checked out and unwilling to repair.

How couples can improve compatibility

It starts with emotional reconnection. Go back to the love map questions—ask each other about your worries and dreams for the future. Stay curious. Spend time together. Rebuild that friendship at the foundation.

From there, explore your shared meanings. Ask yourselves: what brought us together? What values do we still share? Address unresolved conflicts, and practice repairing rather than just reacting. When something comes up, resist the urge to get defensive. Make space for your partner's inner world—what they're feeling, what they're dreaming about, what they're struggling with.

And if you're not sure how to bring this up without it feeling like an accusation? Come from a place of curiosity, not criticism. Try something like: "I've noticed we've both been a little disconnected lately. Can we check in and see how we're really doing?" The language of "us" matters. Avoid "you've changed" or "we're so different now." Instead, focus on the relationship as something you're both in together.

Rebuild compatibility with couples therapy

My honest advice is: sooner than you think. If your partner is suggesting therapy, listen. Going as a preventive measure—before things reach a crisis point—is genuinely more effective than waiting until you're in the middle of one.

Some clear signals that it's time: you're noticing emotional distance that's getting harder to ignore, you're having the same argument on repeat with no resolution in sight, or you're both still uncertain about the relationship but want clarity. Therapy doesn't mean the relationship is failing. It means you care enough about the relationship to learn new tools. If you’re both on board to do that, it shows me that you can become more compatible over time.