Sex & Porn Addiction: A Therapist Answers Your Top Questions

As a certified sex addiction therapist (CSAT), clients typically come to me when they're ready to make a change and repair their relationship. Some recognize that their sex-related behaviors have become addictive; others were caught doing something they regret. Regardless of how they arrive in my office, they always ask the same two questions:

“How do I fix this?” and “Why did it happen?”

Before getting into the answers, I want to be clear about something: this is not meant to be a DIY guide for repairing a relationship after betrayal. My hope is to offer insight into the process and some common dynamics involved in betrayal trauma.

As with other forms of addiction and trauma, the best practice is to work with a trained and licensed professional.

Can sex addiction be treated or fixed?

Yes, sex and porn addiction can be "fixed" or treated through structured therapy. Early work often focuses on crisis stabilization, followed by relational skill building.

Crisis stabilization involves reestablishing safety and setting new rules. Trust has been broken, and rebuilding it requires consistent, intentional effort on the part of the individual who engaged in addictive or problematic sexual behavior.

The first step is often to give your partner full visibility into your:

• Financial records
• Phone activity
• Location sharing
• Internet activity
• Daily plans and appointments

This visibility is critical for creating an open environment where your partner can feel confident that nothing is being hidden from them.

Relational skills include conflict resolution, accountability, and ownership. Practically, this means learning how to discuss the betrayal without becoming defensive, critical, blaming, or avoidant.

I often suggest the following:

• Ask the betrayed partner what they do and do not want to know
• Be intentional about everyday behaviors. This can look like:
  • Leaving your phone in a shared space while using the bathroom
  • Disclosing when you feel an urge and what you did in response
  • Sharing healthy activities you chose when feeling stressed or bored
• Create a "clear consequences" list. It’s common for people to slip into familiar patterns of secrecy or lying, even in small and seemingly insignificant ways. While betrayal is painful, lying often hurts more. Being honest about something that feels “small”—such as an impromptu work meeting with a coworker of the opposite sex—can actually reduce distress over time. Transparency communicates commitment. When you know honesty will be received as effort rather than danger, the impulse to hide decreases. When you assume your partner will “just get triggered,” it becomes easier to justify a white lie.
• Share what you’re working on in therapy. If the only visible effort is “therapy with a CSAT” on a calendar, an opportunity for repair and connection is missed. The more your partner understands your thoughts, insights, and changes, the less likely they are to assume ongoing problematic behavior.
• Use structured, scheduled check-ins. I often recommend the FANOS check-in because it addresses important relationship dynamics that are easy to miss in daily life.
• Measure progress intentionally. Meaningful change takes time and is easy to overlook. A readiness ruler exercise every 30–45 days can help track progress. For example:
  • “On a scale of 1 to 10—1 meaning you don’t trust me at all and believe I’m still acting out, and 10 meaning you fully trust that I’m not lying, acting out, or likely to act out again—where are you today? Why that number and not higher? Why not lower?”
  • Follow this by asking what that number was 30, 60, or 90 days ago. If the number has improved, it’s a sign you’re moving in the right direction.

With intentional and proactive behavior, trust can be rebuilt. Without trust, a relationship can never reach its full potential. These are suggestions, not requirements. What matters most is finding what works for you and your partner and revisiting those needs through ongoing discussion and check-ins.

Why do people develop sex or porn addiction?

This is a much harder question to answer.

If I had to give a brief response, it usually comes down to moderate to severe unmet needs. As cliché as it may sound, these needs are often rooted in childhood. Children require certain things—love, attention, support, safety—to develop into emotionally balanced adults. When some of these needs go unmet, the desire for them doesn’t disappear. It often finds other ways to surface.

Unmet needs can also reflect missing or underdeveloped skills. This might include difficulty expressing needs, disclosing emotions, voicing grievances, or asking directly for support.

In everyday life, this can look like a partner wanting appreciation for their efforts but not asking for it. They may tell themselves, “I shouldn’t have to ask,” “It’s weak to need that,” or “If I ask, something bad will happen.” These beliefs are often learned from parental figures and tend to persist.

Over time, effort without acknowledgment can turn into resentment.

Another common factor is a neglected area of the relationship. Many couples stay at what I call “first-date depth.” Early on, you figure out attraction, shared interests, and deal breakers. But deeper conversations—about roles, values, money, kids, career goals, and expectations—often get postponed or avoided. It’s easy to ask, “What do you want for dinner?” It’s much harder to navigate differences around work-life balance, finances, or family planning. These differences are not unsolvable, but they do need to be addressed.

For people who are conflict-avoidant, small concerns get tucked away. Over time, the dust under the rug becomes a noticeable bump. While conflict is a normal part of relationships, ignoring it can lead to major ruptures.

When important needs have been avoided for too long, bringing them up feels increasingly risky. The needs are still there, though, and when something or someone appears that seems to meet them—even temporarily—it can feel like an easy solution.

I want to be clear about something else: when a partner acts out, I’ve never heard, “I want to hurt my partner,” or even, “I don’t love my partner.” More often, there is a combination of deep unmet needs and longstanding emotional pain. Turning toward something outside the relationship feels safer than asking for help. They don’t say, “I’m unhappy.” They don’t ask for what they want. They don’t want to be a burden or start an argument. It’s like being thirsty without knowing how to get water or ask for it.

Acting out usually starts small—flirting, doom scrolling, looking up exes, or “just a little porn.” Over time, it often escalates. If someone can’t say, “I sent a text to my ex,” they certainly won’t say, “I’ve been meeting up with her and it became physical.”

Eventually, many of my clients get caught. The behavior has become so habitual that they don’t recognize how serious it is until they see the pain and anger on their partner’s face. They may have believed they could stop on their own. The problem is that stopping removes a coping strategy without addressing the underlying issue. They might stop temporarily, but because the root problem remains, they often return to the same behavior.

So why does it happen? Because something is missing—an unmet need, an unaddressed wound, or a lack of relational skills that has gone unnoticed for too long. Many know they want something, but don’t know what it is or how to ask for it.

You can make things right

The truth about my clients is that they are not bad people. They feel deep remorse for the pain they caused. They want to make things right and genuinely desire a healthy, fulfilling relationship. They just don’t know what that looks like or how to get there. If this sounds familiar, there is hope.