Starting Couples Therapy: What to Expect and How to Prepare

Couples therapy or marriage counseling can feel like a big step. As a Licensed Marriage and Family therapist who has worked with couples for over a decade, I know firsthand how nerve-wracking it can be to start this journey. It’s common to feel unsure about what to expect, and for one partner to be more enthusiastic than the other. Let me assure you, those feelings are entirely normal.

Society gives us an unrealistic picture of what loving relationships look like. Movies often make us feel that, when we meet the right person, it will feel easy. We will feel happy and connected all the time and not have any problems. For some couples, those feelings of bliss do exist for a short period of time at the beginning of the relationship, otherwise known as the Honeymoon Phase.

Most of us don’t learn relationship skills or even healthy communication skills in school or in our families growing up. When we begin to struggle in our relationship we feel like it’s our fault. The reality is that 99% of relationships hit significant challenges, and what people really need is a roadmap for how to work through them.

I guarantee that it’s possible to improve your relationship and your overall well-being in life, but it takes work. Couples therapy will give you the tools to do that work, and clarity to make sure you’re on the right track. It’s kind of like learning a new language. You need a guide to help you at first, but the more you practice, the better you will get.

In this post, I’ll walk you through what typically happens in couples therapy and offer practical advice to help you prepare.

I’ve witnessed countless relationships transform through therapy. Whether you’ve already booked your first session, or are still weighing the decision, my goal is to help you feel informed, empowered, and ready to take this positive step for your relationship.

Can marriage counseling work?

A lot of people start couples therapy or marriage counseling because they have been trying to communicate with each other and keep feeling stuck. Most of the time, both partners have good intentions, but it often feels like neither partner is feeling heard, seen, or understood.

In couples therapy, the therapist will teach you a new way of connecting with each other. We all grow up in different family environments and cultures, so we have different communication styles, ways of handling problems, and expectations for how to work through conflict. This can lead to a lot of stress in a relationship.

Something like reading a book about relationships can be very helpful, but going to marriage counseling will help you much more quickly and effectively get to the heart of the things that will transform your unique relationship. The therapist will be able to look at each of your histories, desires, and frustrations and offer a path forward that you can both agree on.

I also want to be clear that saving the relationship isn’t always possible. Success in couples therapy might look like an amicable separation at times.

What to expect from marriage counseling

As a therapist, one of the first things I want to do is understand what each person wants, why they are in therapy, and where they are feeling stuck in their relationship. As we explore those things, we will be getting into the relationship history as well as each of your personal histories. What you are each hoping for is directly connected to the history of what hasn’t been working.

While we do that, it is incredibly important to make sure there is a sense of emotional safety.

When people start talking about the most personal, vulnerable details of their life, it can sometimes be triggering and lead to blaming, criticism or conflict. That is why maintaining emotional safety is so important.

It may be confusing or frustrating having the therapist ask you how you feel or ask you to use different language in the way you are describing your perspective. Try to be patient as the therapist teaches you about respectful communication, speaking from the “first person perspective,” and being more vulnerable.

Just like learning a new language can be frustrating and hard, learning to communicate differently can be as well. The reality is that each person deserves to be heard and respected.

How much should we share in the first couples session?

Just like if you were going to the doctor for a medical issue, the more honest and authentic you are about the issues you are facing, the more quickly and effectively you, your partner, and the therapist can come up with a suitable plan. Even if you are struggling with big issues or considering divorce, the sooner you bring it up in session, the better.

That being said, taking a lot of time to share every little detail of the history might not be the best use of time. It could be taking away from what you need to focus on in order to make progress more quickly. It’s important not to create confusion about what the most important topics are.

The best thing to do is to start with what you really want in your life and relationship and give some specific examples of what’s getting in the way of you getting those things. When you share, it’s helpful to use phrases like, “My perspective is that…,” or “What isn’t working for me is…,” or “What I make up about that is…,” or “When that happens it makes me feel…”

Each person has the right to their own perspective and using these phrases will make it less likely that your partner will feel blamed, criticized or misunderstood.

How to tell if your couples therapist is a good fit

If your therapist is making you feel uncomfortable, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. They could be guiding you into difficult emotions that are important for your healing and growth.

That being said, the therapist should be leading with compassion and helping each partner work towards what they really want.

For example, let’s say that your goal is more emotional connection with your partner. In the course of the work, the therapist might ask you to explore uncomfortable emotions related to childhood experiences. The therapist should be able to help you see how the conversation about your childhood is connected to getting more of what you want with your partner.

A good therapist will focus on the process rather than the content. Couples come into therapy with a variety of topics to work on such as money, parenting, sex, and shared responsibilities. The first step is to focus on the process of how these topics are being discussed.

If you feel like you are having the same argument you have at home and the therapist isn’t giving you any feedback or insight about how to communicate differently, that could be a red flag.

Your therapist should be able to give you a framework for how to navigate conversations so you feel empowered to take on any topic that comes up along the way.

Questions to ask before and after couple’s therapy

Whether it’s the first meeting or the tenth meeting, it’s always good to be prepared going into the session. Here are some questions to get you brainstorming before each session:

• What has been going well?
• What am I grateful for?
• What is an example of a time when things felt good?
• What hasn’t been working?
• What is making me feel stuck?
• What do I really want?
• If things were feeling better, what would be different?

Going into each session, the therapist should make sure that each person gets a turn to say what they want to focus on during the meeting. Bring it up at the beginning if there are things you want to make sure to get to that session. Also, ask your partner if there is anything they want to focus on too.

The other thing to remember is to trust the process. If you don’t have anything on your mind going into the session, that’s ok too. With an experienced therapist, no matter where you start, you will get to the heart of the matter.

If the therapy session isn’t feeling helpful, you can always ask the therapist, “I think it would be more helpful if we focused on…” The therapist will want you to give them that feedback to stay on track.

What if couples therapy isn’t working?

If you are feeling that couples therapy just isn’t very helpful, don’t lose hope. I am confident that every single human being is capable of transformation and getting more clarity in their life.

I would suggest giving your therapist a chance for a couple of sessions, but trust your gut. If it’s not helpful for you, don’t give up on the work. Let them know it doesn’t seem like a good fit and try again with another therapist.

Also be patient with the process. Sometimes issues take form over the course of 10, 20, 30 years or more. It might not be possible to unravel everything in just a couple of sessions.

The greatest thing you can do is to move into compassion and acceptance for yourself and your partner. Couples therapy is hard. Give yourself a lot of credit for having the courage to commit to it.