Divorce Lawyer? Check. Now Get Yourself a Great Therapist

I had a client who described her divorce as an "earthquake that rearranged everything.” Leaving a marriage can mean upending your day-to-day life, recreating your identity, and letting go of the vision of the future you may have been building toward for years. These changes can be deeply disorienting and isolating.

For many people, finding the right therapist helps to re-establish a safe, stable center in the midst of this overwhelming experience.

The right therapist can also make it easier for you to transition, moving from “just keeping your head above water (barely)” to beginning to discover, define, and commit to your next chapter.

Tracking your needs as you move through divorce

Each phase of divorce can ask something very different from you. The best therapist will be the one whose way of working meets you where you are and gives you the support you need.

The following phases are common during any major life transition — and especially during divorce.

Phase 1: Stabilization and grounding

Most people describe the emotional swings that they experience during a divorce as extreme and sometimes unpredictable. One day you feel sure that you have made the right decision. The next, you may worry that you’ve made the biggest mistake of your life.

The goal of therapy in this phase is to create enough grounding that you can stay emotionally steady from moment to moment.

For some people, this may involve naming and validating new emotions that show up unexpectedly. For others, a therapist can act as a brainstorming partner, helping you find self-care practices — mindfulness techniques, for example, can be incredibly beneficial at this stage.

It’s also possible that you may not be sure what will help, and the right therapist can help you identify your needs more clearly.

Phase 2: Making meaning

Once some level of stability is established, it’s likely that you’ll start to ask a different set of questions, along the lines of:

• How did this happen? How did I get here?
• Who am I outside of the context of this relationship?
• What do I want for myself moving forward?

Divorce often prompts a process of revisiting who you are — reflecting on what’s important to you and the choices you’ve made up to this point.

Reflecting on the patterns that you have established, some of which may have been with you since childhood, can help you better understand how to move forward.

In this phase, therapy becomes a place to examine your identity, who you are in intimate relationships, and how you can establish new patterns.

Phase 3: Value-based action

This next phase involves taking the insights and awareness that have emerged, and translating them into action. While you are likely still experiencing grief, fear, or uncertainty at this stage, therapy can build your capacity to move toward what matters.

This starts by identifying on your personal values, which then inform:

• How you respond to your emotions
• Your process for making key decisions
• When and how you take action

A therapist can help you identify these values and create an inner “compass” that you can use to direct your actions.

Getting started with therapy

When most people set out to find a therapist to navigate divorce, they imagine working with one person through the entire process. And in some cases, a single therapist can support you from start to finish. In others, the stabilizing counselor who assists you in the beginning will be different from the counselor who helps you redefine yourself and life outside the marriage.

If one of the above phases resonates deeply with you right now, try searching a directory like Alma’s to find a therapist with experience in the type of therapy recommended for that phase.

As you look through the therapists available to you, consider sending consultation requests to a few different therapists.

When you send that request, take the time to describe what you’re currently experiencing and ask each therapist to explain how they can help you.

Check-in after a few visits

Once you start therapy, plan to attend 3-4 sessions to get a sense of their style, and what you can expect from your work together. Then ask yourself the questions below to reflect more deeply on the relationship.

From there, you can determine whether you want to continue, or seek another clinician.

Therapy, like any other relationship, is deeply personal and requires a kind of “chemistry.” If you don’t feel that you’re clicking, it’s absolutely appropriate to move on to a different clinician.

When alignment is in place, therapy becomes a space that provides safety and support as you grow through one of the most difficult periods of your life.