Attachment Styles & Communication: How to Break Negative Cycles

Maybe this will sound familiar: you and your partner are feeling close and progressing into a more committed relationship. Then, out of the blue, things change. Maybe they're texting more often, asking for reassurance, or getting upset if you have plans that don't involve them. Or maybe they suddenly ask for more space and start seeking attention elsewhere.

These shifts are distressing and even painful, but they usually have a clear explanation. Understanding the "why" behind these behaviors can be the difference between a relationship that spirals into conflict — and eventually ends — and one that grows more secure and connected over time.

This understanding can start by learning to talk about attachment styles.

Understanding attachment style communication in relationships

When I’m working with clients in relationships, then tend to quickly spot patterns of behavior that drive them part. Once they see the pattern, they want to know: "why do I do this?"

There’s more than one framework for understanding couple dynamics, but attachment styles is one that I find particularly helpful. It’s relatively simple and it also offers practical strategies that you can start today.

There are two primary attachment styles: anxious attachment and avoidant attachment.

• An anxious attachment style may lead to an excessive need for attention, checking in with each other multiple times while apart, or expressing doubts despite any real evidence behind them.
• An avoidant attachment style may lead to pulling away when things get serious, difficulty expressing fears and insecurities, and keeping others at arm's length.

What I see most often is that both patterns are really an attempt to get certain needs met in ways that feel safe, even when they end up being unhealthy for the relationship. Without understanding why these behaviors show up, it can become a hotbed for conflict, stress, and can often lead to the end of the relationship.

Take an avoidant attachment style as an example of how this plays out. A partner with this attachment style tends to pull away and struggles to express their needs. This person often carries a narrative in their head that says, "if they knew the real me, they wouldn't love me." They may also carry a deep fear of rejection and abandonment and will do almost anything to avoid feeling that pain again. We're social beings, and wanting to be loved by others doesn't always sit comfortably alongside protecting ourselves from pain.

Imagine the following conversation:

Partner A: Look, I just need some time by myself. You're so smothering. We don't always have to be together!

Partner B: I just asked if you wanted to hang out with my family this weekend, why are you overreacting! Just tell me what you need.

Partner A: Nothing, I'm fine!

Now imagine if one or both partners understand how partner A's avoidant attachment shows up in relationships. The conversation might go a little like this instead:

Partner A: I feel a little overwhelmed by you asking me to spend time with your family. I've been hurt before in the past and I don't want to mess up a good thing.

Partner B: I understand. I know you've had some bad experiences when getting close to someone, and don't want you to feel unwanted or unloved again.

Partner A: Yeah, I hear this voice that says that as soon as I get comfortable, the other shoe will drop.

Partner B: How about a compromise? We can spend a little time with my family this weekend and then do something by ourselves. If at any point you feel overwhelmed, you can tug on my arm and we can head out early.

This kind of exchange is what attachment style communication in relationships actually looks like. Partner A isn't rejecting the relationship. Underneath it, they're scared. Once both partners can name that fear, they can come up with a plan that addresses it without harming the relationship.

Reframing the problem together

One of the bigger issues I see is how we direct blame and label the problem. It can sound like "You’re the one with issues that you need to get figured out. I didn't do anything wrong."

In any relationship, it takes two to tango. Both people in a relationship have the same exact goal of being healthy and happy. If we place blame on one person, we often expect them to "fix it" and then the relationship will be good. This is a very isolating way of resolving conflict, and it doesn't hold up when future conflict inevitably arises.

Instead of saying "you have an attachment problem," try "we both want to be happy and healthy together so let’s work on this." From here, both partners can start to express needs and try their best to meet each other's needs in healthy ways.

What this could look like:

Partner A: I do really like being with you, I just have all these fears from past relationships. I have a hard time quieting those fears.

Partner B: I get that, and I've been in similar places. Can you share some of the things that have happened, or fears that you have?

Partner A: Growing up, I was always told that I was too needy, and now any time I want to say what I need, I feel like a burden. It's kind of been cemented in my head that a good partner doesn't do anything that will bother the other.

Partner B: I totally hear that, and I can understand how that belief came to be. I want to let you know that I want to be a soft place to land. If you have a need that I can meet, I want to meet it, not feel obligated or burdened.

Partner A: Thank you. I need to start seeing this as a way of connecting, and that you enjoy doing things for me, not get frustrated like my parents often did.

As soon as "you have a problem" becomes "we have the same goal," both partners can work collaboratively with each other instead of against each other.

How not to mislabel attachment behaviors

If you read a few therapist profiles, articles on relationships, or follow a few mental health social media pages, you're highly likely to come across the term "narcissist." While this is a very real and problematic concern, we can often be too quick to label avoidant-attachment behavior as narcissistic. It's a bit like seeing one symptom of a medical condition and prematurely assuming we're sicker than we are.

My intent with understanding attachment styles is to explain and help, not to condone or excuse certain behaviors. An avoidant attachment style may result in hurtful responses, and that's not healthy. But it's also not a terminal diagnosis that guarantees this person will hurt people their whole life.

When looking at certain behaviors, it's worth asking a few questions:

• What's driving these behaviors?
• Can they be better explained as a defensive move than one with the intent to harm?
• Are these behaviors in response to a previous relationship?

If someone becomes pervasive, entitled, shows a lack of remorse, and shows little to no ownership, there may be a bigger problem. If someone pulls away, lashes out, or becomes controlling but later tries to make amends, this can be a real opportunity for growth, repair, and connection.

If these behaviors are difficult to understand, it may be beneficial to meet with a licensed professional for guidance and support.

What you and your partner can do to improve communication

For an anxious attachment style, try to identify the fear and self-soothe before relying on your partner for comfort. You might find yourself saying, "if I don't let them know that I miss them, they'll feel unloved and find someone else." Before sending the fifteenth "thinking of you" text of the day, wait a little bit. Entertain the likelihood that not sending the text won't be the end of the relationship. If you can sit with that anxiety and get curious about it, it can often ease over time as the relationship grows.

This can also be a conversation you have with your partner:

Partner A: When you leave for a work trip, I feel like you'll doubt my feelings for you, and I fix that by texting you nonstop.

Partner B: I get it, and I know how you feel about me. You have my word that if I do have questions about your level of commitment, I'll address them with you.

Partner A: Thanks. I'm going to write that down and use it as a reminder the next time I feel the urge to text you too often when you're gone.

For an avoidant attachment style, identify the messages you received when you asked for something, expressed a need, or were praised often for being independent. If a child is told "don't cry, you have nothing to cry about," or "you need to be able to figure things out by yourself," or is met with frustration or anger from a caregiver whenever they need something, it's easy to develop this attachment style. This often plants the message that it's better to do it yourself, that you shouldn't be a burden, or that getting close or asking for something invites bad things to happen.

Here's a sample conversation to help:

Partner A: I'm fine.

Partner B: I know you, and I know you're not fine. Please open up to me, you're not a burden.

Partner A: I just need to figure this out by myself.

Partner B: It hurts me more that you don't let me in than it would to help you carry your stress. I want to be here for you. Please let me.

Consider couples therapy

The nice thing about attachment styles is that they can absolutely change. Through intentional work, communication, healthy responses, and appropriate reassurance, you can feel safe, loved, wanted, and respected by your partner. Working with a couples therapist who specializes in attachment-focused therapy can help you do this work in less time and get better results.

A therapist will guide you in surfacing underlying beliefs and fears and building healthy communication. In time, you can turn struggles into connection. And you can finally break the cycle of relationship problems you may have experienced your whole life.