Premarital Counseling Questions & How to Get Started

Aside from the ring, premarital counseling might just be the ultimate engagement gift. A trained counselor can help you and your fiance align on major issues and coach you in areas where your goals or beliefs don’t necessarily line up (it’s bound to happen).

Premarital counseling can also help you learn even more about each other, hone your communication skills, and set clear and helpful boundaries. Just as important, getting counseling before you get hitched will establish a pattern of seeking guidance during big transitions or rough patches, which can spare you months or years of disconnection due to things left unsaid and unsolved.

Despite the benefits, you or your partner might be nervous about starting premarital counseling. You’ve already decided to marry each other, the last thing you need is someone pointing out all the ways you’re not an ideal couple. Realistically, no two people are compatible in every way, and the goal of premarital counseling isn’t to discourage you from getting hitched — it’s to set you up for success in both the short and long-term.

Whether you’re here because you have to get premarital counseling (some faiths require it), you want to get it (because you’re brilliantly proactive), or you’re thinking about DIYing it (more on that later), we’re here to help.

What is premarital counseling and is it worth it?

Premarital therapy or counseling usually entails multiple sessions with a trained counselor before your wedding. Experienced premarital counselors will typically provide structure and guidance, and they may want to meet with you each individually as well as together.

Premarital counseling sessions may include any of the following:

• Identifying and comparing life values and relationship goals
• Personality testing
• Relationship quizzes
• Role-playing
• Listening and reflection
• Conflict resolution
• Boundary setting

Does premarital counseling really help? Many factors can impact the outcomes of counseling, but overall, the research points to yes.

In a different study, couples who underwent premarital counseling said they:

• Learned new skills
• Learned to manage relationship issues and prepare for marriage
• Felt that their chosen counselors were supportive

For premarital counseling to be effective, counselors typically need to ask thoughtful, sometimes deeply personal questions that might feel uncomfortable. You’re not being put on the spot — these questions are designed to uncover the dynamics, patterns, and emotions at play in your relationship. It’s through this kind of honest exploration that real understanding and growth can happen.

The power of premarital counseling questions

Premarital counseling questions seek to uncover the strengths, blind spots, and opportunities for growth in your relationship. From finances and family to communication styles, your counselor or therapist may touch on some sore spots or even raise issues you didn’t realize were there.

The exact questions asked in premarital counseling will vary depending on your needs and how your counselor approaches sessions, but are likely to cover the topics of finances, family, communication, and lifestyle choices.

Premarital counseling questions about money

In one survey, a whopping 54% of respondents said that having a partner in debt is grounds for divorce. Yet, many engaged couples never look at each other’s credit card statements or bank accounts before getting married. Does your fiance pay bills right away, or do they incur interest and late-fees? Are you the same or different?

How we manage finances can come with shame and embarrassment and is typically heavily influenced by our parents’ views of money. Premarital counseling can help you see that marriage could be a chance to foster a joint approach to money with a partner who can support you in making positive changes.

Sample premarital counseling questions about money:

• Will you combine your checking accounts?
• Will you share a credit card?
• How much do you want to earn as a couple?
• If one of you makes more than the other, how will that impact decisions about spending?
• If one of you works/earns more, is there an expectation that the other will do more chores?
• How much do you need in your emergency fund to feel comfortable?
• How do you feel about lending money to family or friends?
• Is gambling off the table or ok sometimes?
• What kind of insurance will you have?
• Do you understand what happens to your finances if you were to divorce, and are you comfortable with that?

Premarital counseling questions about kids & family

You’ve probably already talked about whether or not you want kids. If the answer is yes, the conversation will ideally go much further before you exchange vows. It is important to explore together the many choices that can come up when having and raising children, from dealing with infertility to choosing childcare.

Sample premarital counseling questions about family:

• How confident are you that you do or don’t want kids?
• What’s your ideal timeline for having children?
• How many kids do you hope to have?
• What if infertility becomes an issue? Would you want to pursue children another way?
• What are your views on genetic testing? Would you be open to having a special needs child?
• What are your expectations around childcare? Will one of you stay home? Will you hire a nanny, use daycare, or ask a family member to care for your child?
• If one or both of you already has children, how will they be cared for?
• To what extent would you want your child’s upbringing to be similar or different from your own?
• What beliefs and values do you hope to instill in your children?

Premarital counseling questions about communications & conflict

When you share a home and make joint decisions on a daily basis, conflict is unavoidable. Having the tools to communicate properly and work through conflict productively can make all the difference in a marriage.

Sample premarital counseling questions about communication and conflict:

• Do you tend to address conflict directly or indirectly? What does that look like? How has that been working for the relationship?
• How do you preserve emotional safety during a difficult conversation for you and your partner?
• Do you give each other equal time to express views and feelings?
• Do you reflect and validate one another’s views?
• Can each of you recognize when a conversation is escalating to the point of being unproductive? How do you de-escalate?
• What is your ‘frustration tolerance,’ i.e., how bothered are you by day-to-day challenges?
• Do either of you find it difficult to express anger in healthy ways?

Premarital counseling questions about career & lifestyle

What you want from your career and lifestyle is bound to change over time, but you can still check in with your partner to see where you’re both at, right now.

Sample premarital questions about career and lifestyle:

• How important is your career to you and why? What are your career goals?
• Would you be willing to put your own career on hold to support your partner’s?
• Would you take a break from work to raise kids?
• What are your views on work-life balance? Is working nights or weekends ok?
• How will you split up household responsibilities?
• Where would you like to live now and in five years?
• If you don’t already own a house, how important is that for you?
• How much time would you like to spend with friends and family?
• Will you support each other in finding alone time and nurturing individual friendships?
• How big of a role does religion play in your life?
• If you come from different religious backgrounds, how might that impact your relationship? If you have kids, how will you introduce faith to them?
• What kind of vacations do you hope to go on in the future?
• What kinds of things would you like to do on weekends once you’re married?
• Which holidays are important to you and how would you like to celebrate them?

Can you DIY premarital counseling?

If you’re short on time or money, you may be wondering if you can recreate premarital counseling for yourself. Setting aside intentional time each week to talk through the questions above is a good way to start. Grab some coffee, put away your phones, and aim to be completely honest with each other.

Then watch for flags that you might need support. Are you holding back because you’re not sure how your partner will react? Are you judging each other’s responses as good or bad? Do some questions quickly turn into arguments? Are you confused about what to do or say next to move the conversation forward comfortably and productively? A counselor can help with all of the above.

Throughout the process, encourage each other as much as possible to be honest. These aren’t easy topics, but showing up and having these discussions is a huge step toward building a strong foundation for your marriage. And if a topic feels too sticky to tackle on your own, remember: That’s exactly what therapy is for.

Next steps – how to get started with premarital counseling

Many experienced, compassionate couples therapists offer premarital counseling. If you have friends, family members, or others in your circle who may have recently gotten married, consider asking if they have any recommendations.

Platforms like Alma make finding a qualified couples therapist simple and stress-free. Think of it like a matchmaking service — but for you, your partner, and a professionally trained counselor to help you navigate these conversations with care and clarity.

Tips for finding a therapist or counselor

Start with the logistical details like finding a therapist who accepts your insurance (there’s a couples therapy filter in Alma’s directory), is licensed in your state, and provides telehealth or in-person (depending on what you’d prefer).

After that, finding the right therapist is as much about chemistry as anything else. Your best bet is to schedule a few free consultations and pay attention to how you feel when you speak with the therapist or counselor – do you feel heard and understood?

Other things to consider:

• Are they present and attentive during the session?
• Are they culturally sensitive?
• Do they seem comfortable with feedback? Did you feel comfortable giving them feedback?

If you cannot honestly answer ‘yes’ to any of the above, that provider may not be the right one for you. That's OK – you just need to find the right fit.

Preparing for your first session

Once you’ve booked your first consultation, take a deep breath. You don’t need to show up with all the answers—just a willingness to be open, honest, and curious. A good therapist will guide the conversation, help you both feel heard and provide tools you can use long after the wedding cake is gone.

If you want to do a bit more preparation, you can:

• Take time to think about the ‘why’ behind attending counseling – was it your fiancee’s idea or yours? How do you feel about it?
• List any questions or requests you may have for the therapist or counselor. Are there topics you’d like to tackle sooner rather than later?
• Is there anything from your past that you want to be sure to share during your counseling sessions? A story about a past relationship or your parents' relationship that influenced how you think about marriage? Clarify what you want to say ahead of time.

Everyone can benefit from premarital counseling

At the end of the day, premarital counseling isn’t about figuring out if you’re right for each other — it’s about gaining awareness and skills that will help you build a strong, resilient partnership. And the good news is that more couples are deciding to do this essential work. According to The Knot 2023 Real Weddings Study, 45 percent of Gen Z and 31 percent of millennial couples attended premarital counseling last year.

The fact that you’re here means that you’re already on the right track. Consider booking one or more commitment-free consultations with a couples therapist through Alma.