Coming Out Later in Life: How to Prepare Practically & Emotionally

There’s no shortage of LGBTQ older adults — around 3 million people ages 50 and over identify as LGBTQ, and this number is expected to grow to 7 million by 2030 — but that doesn’t necessarily make coming out later in life less intimidating.

Coming out later in life brings unique challenges: the potential to disrupt long-standing relationships or marriages, fear of rejection from lifelong friends or family members, and even concerns about financial or housing security.

You might also carry decades of internalized stigma, living through times where homosexuality was listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (it wasn’t removed until 1973!!!), “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” was policy for the U.S. military, and same-sex marriage wasn’t federally legal.

However, you may have reached a point where your desire to live authentically outweighs the risks of staying silent and living a lie.

If you feel ready to come out but are nervous and don’t know how to prepare, read on.

12 Ways to come out with confidence as an older adult

There’s no one “right” way to come out, but having some general guidance and practical tips ahead of time can help make the process feel less overwhelming.

Here are 13 tips from three mental health professionals who work with LGBTQ folks who are coming out later in life.

1. Reject concerns that it’s “too late”

You might feel like there isn’t a point in coming out in older adulthood, but it’s never too late to be yourself. Late coming out is better than never coming out.

“Queer lives have never fit into heteronormative milestone timelines,” says licensed clinical social worker Fairley Parson. “Throughout our history, queer people have taken and forged nonlinear paths toward selfhood, intimacy, family, and community.”You do not have to adhere to any timeline — and you’re far from the only one exploring your queer identity later in life. For example, Parson says she’s seen many people have their first real crush at age 50 and come alive in older age.

Remember: There’s no deadline for having fun or exploring sexuality in life. “Those in the LGBT community can age and have fun well beyond their straight years,” adds Bryan Aston, a licensed clinical social worker with Alma.

2. Take the pressure off

Coming out is a process, not a one-time event, says licensed marriage and family therapist Bailey Franklin. You can view it as an unfolding and ongoing dialogue — and you don’t have to get everything “right” in a single conversation.

“Try not to put so much pressure on the one particular event,” Franklin advises.Know that people may react in different ways — and their reactions can evolve over time, he adds. So, remember that how someone reacts during the initial conversation isn’t the end all be all.

For example, someone who initially responds in a way that’s not-so-ideal may grow to be more understanding once they process the news on their own, Franklin explains.

3. Find an LGBTQ+ therapist

Working with an LGBTQ+ affirming mental health provider and seeking therapy for coming out can truly make a world of difference.

It’s important to not just have a therapist that works with older adults or the queer community, but both, so they understand how these identities intersect. To make sure they’re the right fit, Parson suggests asking a prospective therapist the following questions in a consultation call:

• “Do you have experience working with people coming out later in life?”
• “Have you worked with LGBTQ+ older adults specifically?”
• “What is your understanding of compulsory heterosexuality, gender identity or sexual orientation development across the lifespan?”

In an ideal world, you could work with a therapist before and after coming out, so you have professional support as you prepare and to process after coming out.

With the right support, LGBTQ emotional challenges and queer life transitions (like coming out or having your first queer relationship) can become opportunities for growth and happiness.

If a therapist isn't an option, hotlines can be "immensely helpful,” Aston says. (Or, you can use them even if you are in therapy but want some extra support)

Free and confidential examples of hotlines are:

• LGBT National Senior Hotline (for ages 50+): 888-234-7243
• National Coming Out Support Hotline: 888-688-5428
• Trans Lifeline: 1-877-565-8860

4. Plan what you’ll say

You don't have to rehearse a perfect script, but Parson says it can help to consider the following before going into a conversation:

• What do I most want this person to understand?
• What am I willing to discuss?
• What is off-limits right now?
• Are there things I want to explain? Are there things I will not defend?
• What questions do I not owe answers to?

Taking a few moments to reflect on these questions can help you feel more prepared for the chat. However, Parson urges you to remember: “You are not obligated to produce a perfectly coherent narrative for others’ comfort.”

5. Start with small “trial runs”

Beginning your coming out journey with some trial-runs can help ease coming out anxiety. Aston suggests doing a “trial run” coming out in lower-stakes environments or to people who you might not even see again, such as people in a support group or another queer space.

When you can say “I’m gay” or “I’m bisexual” or whatever your words of choice are, notice how it feels and rings true. This can give you some confidence and practice before you move on to more emotionally significant conversations with loved ones.

6. Tell the most supportive people first

Aston suggests asking yourself, who are some people who you think would receive the news best? “Thinking through those people can be really helpful, because then people start to realize they may have more people in their corner than they realize,” he says.

When you begin the coming out process, start with these people first to build confidence and get more comfortable before you move on to those who you’re a bit more nervous to come out to.

7. Find your queer community

“The process of coming out later in life can feel terrifyingly isolating when experienced alone. It matters to encounter people who normalize your experience,” says Parson. If you’re a senior, you can contact local senior centers and ask if they have LGBTQ groups — many do! You can also check out LGBT Near Me, where you enter your zipcode and filter by category (including senior) to find in-person events nearby. There are even retirement communities and senior housing specifically for LGBTQ folks from coast to coast.

If you live in a more conservative area, you might benefit from online forums or online groups. For example, there are several active Facebook groups where you can connect, such as LGBTQ+ Elders and Seniors or Gay Seniors. You can also join the SAGEYou online community, which allows you to connect with others in your shoes and join virtual events.

8. Allow yourself to grieve

It may seem counterintuitive, but it’s common for those coming out later in life to feel a sense of grief, alongside the relief. For example, you might grieve all the years you lost where you weren’t able to act on your feelings or enjoy certain opportunities, Franklin says. This is normal, and as with any form of grief, it’s important to allow yourself to feel these emotions rather than stuff them down.

Additionally, you might end up grieving changed or lost relationships, Parson says. There might be aspects of life pre-coming-out that you’ll miss in one way or another, and this isn’t something you need to feel guilty about.

“Just because you mourn your old life does not mean you want it back,” says Parson. “People can grieve sincerely while also moving toward greater authenticity. We don’t want the grief to eclipse or totally obscure the real possibility for queer joy, a deeper connection to oneself and others, but it can take time.”

9. Honor and care for your inner child

During this time, it’s important to have compassion for your younger self who might not have felt safe to come out earlier, Franklin says. One thing he works on with older clients who are coming out is inner child work. He will have his client talk to (or “see” or remember) their younger self when they’re feeling down on themselves for not coming out earlier.

“[They remember] all of the things that they were doing to stay safe and to stay loved by their family and their friends…and recognizing that for that child, [coming out] was just too big a risk,” Franklin says, “It can be very moving to see that very scared kid who is having these thoughts and feelings come up and really not having any idea where to put them.”

Have compassion for that younger version of yourself, and know that you were doing the best you could at the time. You can honor that inner child in fun ways, too. Aston suggests asking yourself what your younger self would have wanted or envisioned for you later in life living authentically. Now, as an adult, you have the power and freedom to do these things.

10. Give yourself grace

To whatever extent that you can, try to practice self-compassion and give yourself some grace. “One of the most central worries I think a LGBT people feel when they come out later in life is that, ‘I don't have much time. I've already wasted so much time being in the closet,’” says Aston. “I try to kind of instill a little bit of patience, going back to giving oneself grace, giving oneself that ability to make mistakes, and also have fun with it.”

This also goes along with giving yourself grace to have awkward first dates and sexual encounters, he says. Know that it’s completely normal to feel inexperienced or unsure during these times. This is a totally new chapter of your life, and you’re allowed to explore and learn as you go.

11. Plan for aftercare

“People often prepare intensely for disclosure itself but not for the emotional aftermath,” says Parson. “Coming out can feel psychologically exposing. The nervous system often needs care afterward.” So, come up with a plan for how you'll regulate after. Parson says some ideas include:

• Talking to a trusted friend
• Allowing yourself to cry
• Journaling
• Making art or music
• Spending time in nature
• Going to therapy or a support group

12. Get excited about your future

It’s easy to get caught up in fear and negative what-ifs — but it’s important to counteract this and get excited thinking about the positive what-ifs.

Aston suggests allowing yourself to visualize and fantasize about what your new life can bring. He says you might ask yourself: how do you see yourself when you’re this new out and fully-realized person? Do you see yourself having multiple different types of new friends? Being a part of new queer communities? Going on fun trips? Attending Pride parades and parties?

You can’t underestimate how good it will feel to live authentically as your true self — so imagine the greatest possibilities and get excited.

“I just think that ultimately,” Aston says, “queer people have more fun.”