Is It Time to Change Therapists? Here’s How to Tell

Knowing if your therapist is a good fit can take time, but learning to advocate for yourself is the surest route to getting what you need.

As someone who just celebrated my 15 year therapy-aversary — during which I’ve had my fair share of wonderful therapists and not-so-great ones — one of my greatest passions is helping therapy-goers understand what good therapy feels like, and conversely, when it’s time to find someone else.

Sometimes, when to switch therapists can feel pretty obvious to us. But what happens when your therapy experience is settling somewhere in the gray, where it’s not quite awful, but it’s also not… well, great?

One of the biggest revelations of my therapy experience was realizing how much better therapy is when we learn how to advocate for ourselves. And as it turns out, these in-between moments are often a great opportunity to practice just that.

This may seem obvious to some, but many of us — if not most — are never taught that we can speak up in therapy, ask for what we want or need, and make empowered decisions about the types of care we receive, and from whom we receive it.

It took years before I realized I had both a voice and a choice in my therapy experience: I could speak up when things weren’t going the way I wanted, and I could walk away when my needs went consistently unmet.

That’s why, in this article, we’re going to talk about both — how you can vocalize your needs and how to make the switch, should you decide it’s not worth sticking around.

When we’re talking about “good therapy” or a “good therapist,” there are some common themes we tend to look for, as Dr. Elisabeth Morray covered in a previous blog. I’ll offer them below as a quick refresher.

Since we’ve now covered the green flags together, this article will mostly focus on therapy “yellow flags” (moments to slow down and ask questions; these are usually the choice points when clients decide if they’d like to continue with their therapist or not).

⚠️ A quick note about safety

Please know that if your therapist is making you feel unsafe, or you have concerns that they’ve crossed ethical lines, help is available.

Natalie Russ, PsyD, who is both a survivor of therapy harm and clinician, has a great list of resources available for those who suspect their therapists have harmed them.

This article won’t be covering red flags, which would suggest a harmful, toxic, or even abusive therapy relationship may be unfolding, and would warrant a more intentional and sensitive approach.

Yellow Flags: Signs You May Need a New Therapist

A therapy “yellow flag” indicates an opportunity, where asking more questions, expressing how you feel, or otherwise leaning into the therapeutic process might be beneficial.

That said, not every opportunity is worth taking! You get to decide if you have enough trust, safety, and willingness to work through this obstacle with your therapist.

If you’ve uncovered a yellow flag and aren’t sure what to do about it, we’ve outlined some conversation prompts that can help you self-advocate!

By practicing openness and naming what you need, this can help clarify if it’s time to move on from the relationship, or if self-disclosure might strengthen the relationship between you and your therapist.

That said, if your therapist doesn’t respond well to feedback, remember you can always end the therapy relationship at any time — we even have a comprehensive resource that includes email templates and scripts for doing exactly that.

Dissatisfaction: You’re Not Making the Progress You’d Hoped For

What it is

Despite showing up for therapy and giving it a go, the goals you set with your therapist aren’t being met.

What it can look like

You planned to address disordered eating, but you’re still stuck in the same cycle of restrictive behaviors and losing hope; you wanted to improve your relationship with your partner, but you’re having the same fights that you did eight months ago.

What it might sound like

• I like my therapist as a person, but I don’t seem to be getting any better.
• My therapist is fine, but somehow we never seem to talk about the things that matter to me.
• I keep wondering why I’m even showing up if I’m not getting anything out of it.

If you get stuck: Remember, it isn’t your job to make therapy “work.” Your job is to show up, put your best foot forward, and let the therapist guide you. You don’t need to force things — it’s okay to end a therapy relationship when you aren’t seeing the results you’d hoped for.

Holding Back: You’re Struggling to Open Up

What it is

You sense that there’s uncharted territory that’s worth exploring in therapy, but you shut down (whether you intend to or not) when it’s time to go there.

What it can look like

You don’t fully trust your therapist, so you default to talking about how your week went or issues that feel easier to approach; you go into a session planning to open up, but something in you resists going there once you’re face-to-face.

What it might sound like

• I feel like I mostly vent in therapy, but I never really get to the core of the problem.
• Sometimes it doesn’t feel like therapy, it mostly just feels like hashing out how my week went.
• It’s only in the last five minutes of the session that I really get into it, and by then, it’s too late.

If you get stuck: We move at the speed of trust — which is to say, we can’t open ourselves up faster than what feels reasonably safe for us. Try not to be too hard on yourself, and if opening up to a different therapist might be easier, don’t hesitate to explore what’s out there.

Unchallenged: You’re Bored or Disengaged in Therapy

What it is

You don’t feel emotionally engaged, invested, or fully present in therapy.

What it can look like

You respond to your therapist when prompted, but you don’t fully trust (or even care about!) the direction of your work together; you sometimes feel more like you’re performing the Good Client™ than actually getting what you need; you fantasize about being a “no-show,” but the cancellation fee and guilt motivates you to show up anyway.

What it might sound like

• In sessions, I kind of already know where my therapist is going with things, but I let them ‘drive’ because I don’t know what else to do.
• Sometimes I end up telling my therapist what I think they want to hear because I’m so checked out — and I don’t always realize I’m doing it until afterward.
• I go to therapy because my insurance covers it, but in truth, I’m not sure that it’s worth it. I’m sort of going through the motions now.

If you get stuck: Sometimes, our therapists aren’t challenging or engaging us enough — it happens! But many therapists are actually eager for this kind of feedback, as it allows them to better support you. That said, if you’re more excited and energized to find another therapist who brings the right energy, it’s okay to move on.

Feeling Hurt: Your Therapist Said Something That Didn’t Land

What it is

You shared something with your therapist, but their response to you didn’t quite land, and while it wasn’t deeply harmful, it still left you feeling misunderstood, hurt, or mistrustful — especially because your therapist usually gets you.

What it can look like

You finally worked up the courage to share something deeply personal, but your therapist’s response was underwhelming; your therapist made an assumption about how you felt or your motivation for doing something, and you didn’t know how to correct them in the moment, but now you can’t put it out of your mind.

What it might sound like

• Usually I don’t mind when my therapist is sarcastic or makes a joke, but on this specific topic, it didn’t feel good for me.
• I felt a little judged when my therapist asked me why I made that decision. Normally they’re so compassionate, I’m not sure what happened.
• My therapist assumed that because I wasn’t crying or visibly upset, I was okay to move on and change topics. But I actually needed some support at that moment.

If you get stuck: A good therapist is receptive to feedback and validating of your feelings — even if that feedback is tough to hear — and happy to adapt their approach to better support you. If your therapist becomes resistant or combative when you explain your POV, it’s definitely time to move on.

Not Clicking: They Don’t Seem to ‘Get’ You

What it is

You and your therapist, for whatever reason, don’t seem to have the right “chemistry.”

What it can look like

A few sessions (or more) in, and things still feel awkward, forced, or unnatural; your therapist doesn’t seem attuned to your needs, and instead, just throws out what they think will help without considering your unique context.

What it might sound like

• This therapist seems right on-paper, but in the room together, it doesn’t feel the way I thought it would.
• I’m sure they’re the right therapist for someone else, but I’m not so sure about me.
• It’s exhausting to keep looking for a therapist; it almost seems easier to just keep trying with this one, even if it’s stressful.

If you get stuck: Don’t worry about hurting your therapist’s feelings! They’ve been trained to navigate the end of a relationship, and a good therapist can support you in transitioning out of their care without personalizing your decision.

How to Switch Therapists

Switching therapists doesn’t have to be a complex process! In fact, we have an entire guide on how to end a therapy relationship, including frequently asked questions about therapy breakups, with copy and paste templates to send that email or make that call as soon as you’re ready.

If you’re unsure of where to begin, here are some expert tips:

• JOURNAL: It may be helpful to write (or just think!) about what went well, what didn’t work, and what you hope for from future therapists, which can offer clarity and closure as you plan to say goodbye to your current therapist. (Pro-tip: We also have some journal prompts to explore before meeting with a new therapist in this blog post!)
• CONTACT THEM: This guide includes email, phone, and in-person templates for having the “breakup” conversation with a therapist.
• HAVE AN AFTERCARE PLAN: Have some planned activities — however simple or elaborate as you’d like — to help you self-soothe after what may be a stressful or emotional conversation.
• PLAN YOUR NEXT STEPS: Would you like to see another therapist, perhaps using the Alma directory to find a new provider? Or is this experience evidence that it’s time to take a break, and look for other supports, like exploring group therapy, or trying a new modality that helps you integrate what you’ve learned so far, like the Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP)?

Closing Thoughts

After many years of therapy, I’ve learned that while it may not feel at first like there’s a huge difference between a great, good, and “sort of okay” therapist, these can actually end up feeling worlds apart, especially in retrospect.

When we don’t trust our gut and advocate for ourselves, some of us end up settling for a “sort of okay” therapist and missing out on what a great or even amazing therapist — someone who’s attuned, present, accepting, flexible, and wicked smart — might actually bring to the table.

Here’s what I want you to remember: In both therapy and life, you don’t have to minimize your needs and take up less space. The right people, be they our partners or our therapists, would never expect or ask that of us.

Therapy happens to be a very unique space where we can actually practice having needs, voicing them, and when desired, walking away, even if it feels uncomfortable or hard to do at first.

That’s why, sometimes, asking yourself if it’s time to switch therapists isn’t as useful as asking yourself which choice is most supportive of the “You” you’re working toward in therapy.

You might ask instead, “What would be the greatest sign of progress for me: Walking away from this therapy relationship, where I don’t feel supported in the ways I need to be? Or leaning in and seeing how self-advocacy and honesty can help me grow, even if it scares me?”

Whatever you choose, you’ll be choosing you. And that means you can’t really go wrong.