Wondering if you're in a trauma bond with someone? Here’s why language matters for healing and coping.
A few years ago, two friends of mine got together. Each had summoned the courage to defy recent, ongoing traumatic experiences by doing the bravest thing they knew how to do at the time: They both opened Tinder.
One friend was fresh off a divorce, and the other was wading her way through surprise unemployment. After a date or two, the pair recognized an unlikely closeness between them. They found themselves sharing openly about vulnerabilities and experiences with loss.
My friends readily acknowledged that they were each enduring grief — the kind that catches you off guard while you’re exercising, ordering a drink, or staring offscreen while on Zoom.
For each, it felt liberating to bond through open and candid discussions of their private upheaval, or trauma. It felt like they were in the trenches of emotional warfare together.
One of them texted me two words to describe exactly what they thought it was, but exactly what it wasn’t: trauma bonding.
What is Trauma Bonding, Actually?
Trauma bonding is often used as a misnomer to describe any connection facilitated through traumatic experiences.
However, trauma bonding is actually a term more circumscribed to connection, reliance, and devotion within abusive relationships. That tends to mean one person is an abuser, or person who harms, and the other is a survivor or victim of abuse.
In short, trauma bonding describes a problematic phenomenon within the context of abuse — between a victim and an abusive individual — and not within stable or healthy relationships.
False trauma bonding examples include falling in love while processing trauma, enduring an oppressive workplace in tandem, or experiencing a traumatic event together.
Each of these scenarios are viable ways to form emotional connection — and that’s good! — but what each of these scenarios describe are not exactly the definition of trauma bonding.
Trauma bonding...
- Describes a strong attachment toward a person who harms you
- Can be leveraged against you to perpetuate and even escalate harm
- Can involve a mix of emotions — which may even seem contradictory — in volatile, unbalanced, or abusive relationships
- Involves a sense of closeness to one’s own abuser, making it difficult to leave an abusive relationship
Trauma bonding is (usually) not...
- Getting closer with a friend through common adversity
- Developing a deeper relationship with a partner by sharing about past traumas
- Bonding over difficult situations outside the context of cyclical abuse
- Getting closer with a coworker in a difficult work environment
Where Did the Phrase 'Trauma Bond' Come From?
The classification of “trauma bonds” was first described in 1997 by Dr. Patrick Carnes, a physician, researcher, and author who focuses on addiction and recovery.
The concept has been applied clinically to work with survivors of domestic violence and those caught in cycles of abuse.
To put it bluntly, trauma bonding was never intended to describe something aspirational — trauma bonding, in its original definition, is volatile, insidious, and destructive.
It’s also important to note that trauma bonding cycles can begin in childhood and perpetuate into adulthood.
Volatile, unstable, or unreliable relationships between parent and child can lead to traumatic bonding, too. And feeling “caught” in a difficult relationship cycle is a pattern that can be difficult to break, whether it began in childhood or adulthood.
How to Recognize an (Actual) Trauma Bond
It can be understandably difficult to know whether you have experienced a trauma bond.
The inherent nature of the experience is subversive; it can be difficult to distinguish feelings of genuine, affirming attachment with problematic ties.
If you're wondering whether you are in a trauma bond, you might ask yourself:
1. Do you often justify or defend the other person’s unhealthy behavior? (i.e. saying that they’re just having an “off day”)
2. Do you often focus on trying to help them despite the abuse they inflict? (i.e. paying for their bills even if they are no longer in your life)
3. Do you try to cover up their behavior, hide it from others, or excuse it? (i.e. retreating from friendships)
4. Do you avoid leaving them, or telling them how you feel? (i.e. avoiding any topic that may lead to anger)
5. Even when someone with toxic behavior has departed from your life, do you think about that person often? (i.e. fantasizing about being with someone again who once hurt you)
⚠️ If you answered yes to any of these questions, it is possible that you are experiencing (or have experienced) a trauma bond.
If you are currently in a trauma bond with an abuser, or suspect you may be, click here for information on safe browsing and safety planning.
What’s the Harm in Misusing the Phrase ‘Trauma Bond’?
Many people, like my two aforementioned friends, may feel that “trauma bond” is a neat, colloquial (and dare I say trending?) way of describing the glue that sticks them together.
And while that can feel empowering, and the misusage may seem innocuous, describing a healthy relationship as a “trauma bond” can have its consequences.
As a clinician, I may encourage clients who wrongly describe trauma bonds in relationships or trauma bonds in friendships to reorient their language toward less… well… traumatic language.
The fact is people who connect within the context of difficult circumstances are actually connecting through profound (and beautifully mutual!) demonstrations of vulnerability, openness, and resilience.
Trauma bonding names a problematic phenomenon — a difficult cycle of bonding with an abuser.
Unless that accurately describes the contextual situation at hand, terms like vulnerability, openness, and resilience may better describe what is happening for two people who connect amidst adversity, without pathologizing their experience.
From a narrative therapy lens, identifying (and naming) a person’s resources can help them to decenter the narrative of a problem.
By describing connection in terms of sharing, openness, and defiance, clients may be able to better process and break free of those specific trauma-sharing that helped foster connection with another.
Still, trauma bonding is a real experience for survivors and victims of abuse. Recovering from trauma bonding can be an ongoing and fraught experience, as trauma bonding describes a repeated cycle of allegiance to an abuser.
Correct usage of “trauma bond” can also ensure that survivors of trauma bonding are able to access appropriate resources and information, and that their experiences are taken seriously and aren’t misunderstood.
Trauma bonding may be synonymized with Stockholm Syndrome, although the two terms are not the same, as Stockholm Syndrome tends to refer to hostage scenarios rather than cycles of intimate partner violence and abuse.
How Does Trauma Bonding Happen?
Put simply, most trauma bonds occur in the context of building a valid and healthy relationship.
However, over time, one party starts to exude harmful or abusive behavior, while the other copes with the abuse.
Significantly, abusive behavior does not happen all the time in an abusive relationship or trauma bond. In fact, experts find that most survivors of a trauma bond report things go well almost 90% of the time.
The other 10% of the time accounts for a cyclical pattern of abuse, often escalating in intensity over time.
This is why it can be so hard to detach or leave an abusive relationship: the true, detrimental impact of abusive behavior can be shadowed by otherwise “normal” days in a relationship.
Trauma bonding may be associated with oppressive forms of gaslighting and deceiving gestures of love bombing. (In the hearty recipe of clinical-terms-gone-mainstream stew, gaslighting and love bombing are commonly seen next to trauma bonding).
This is because trauma bonding is said to occur in the context of manipulative, inconsistent relationships that vacillate between demonstrations of love and abuse.
The 7 Stages of Trauma Bonding
You may have seen this phenomenon conceptualized through the lens of 7 stages of trauma bonding, which include the following:
1. Love bombing
Expressions of extreme flattery, gift-giving, or devotion from the person who harms
2. Establishing dependency
The person who harms may build reliance on themselves by isolating the victim emotionally, physically, and financially
3. Criticism
The person who harms begins to devalue the victim, lowering their self-esteem and making them more susceptible to harm
4. Manipulation
The person who harms begins to gaslight, deny, or minimize the reality of the victim through control, contradictions, and isolation
5. Resignation
The victim may begin appeasing the abuser as a coping mechanism, shrugging off the abuse or making excuses for it
6. Loss of self
The victim may experience a dramatic loss of their own identity, struggling to recognize their own personality or value system
7. Continued cycle
Even if an abusive pattern briefly subsides, both victims and people who harm can easily find themselves starting over at “love bombing,” and continuing the cycle all over again.
Trauma bonding mirrors the subjective patterns of power and control often at the center of ongoing abusive relationships.
If you or someone you know may be involved in this type of relationship, one way to gut-check your suspicions is through the Power and Control Wheel. The wheel outlines ways in which people who harm take small, everyday actions to maintain allegiance and control over their partner.
How Do You Heal From a Trauma Bond?
If you are wondering how to heal from a trauma bond, know that it takes time and an immense amount of support. Close relationships, especially in the context of abuse, can be very difficult to untangle.
We enter bonds with other people because they bring us some form of satisfaction, security, and (hopefully) moments of joy. Leaving a problematic relationship can be intimidating — and often takes a few tries.
One of the best places to start is… drumroll… therapy!
Merely discussing your situation with a licensed professional is an ideal way to sort through the emotions of your relationship, discover strategies for healing, and identify your resources.
Importantly, trauma-informed therapists know how to facilitate sessions in a safe, confidential, and private manner. If you feel you are ready to begin to see a professional, you can easily find a trauma-informed therapist through Alma.
Whether you're in an abusive relationship, or just need a compassionate guide to navigate life's ups and downs, therapy can be a powerful way to gain self-insight and support.
With Alma's directory of over 20,000 providers, nearly all of whom take insurance, you can find a therapist that truly gets you.
Closing Thoughts
Cycles of trauma bonds can be difficult to break, and necessitate compassionate and trauma-informed support.
On the other hand, if you feel that you're in a relationship with open connection, closeness, and mutual respect, you’re probably not trauma bonded.
In that case, you're likely sharing vulnerabilities, personal histories, and laying the groundwork for mature connection. (Nice work!)
To discover local resources, safety planning advice, visit The Hotline. If you know someone who is experiencing a trauma bond (like a friend, coworker, or family member), and you want to know how to help, learn how to best talk to a survivor of abuse here.
